The Surprising Truth About Staying Close to Your Kids During Divorce with Michelle Cantrell
There are seasons in parenting that feel especially heavy.
Times when everything shifts. When the structure you once relied on changes. When you wonder what this will mean for your relationship with your child.
Divorce is one of those moments.
And if you’ve ever asked yourself, Will this damage my relationship with my child? or Have I already gotten it wrong? you’re not alone.
But what if connection doesn’t have to break during these seasons?
What if it can deepen?
If you’d rather listen, you can tune into the podcast here:
🎧 The Cycle No One Talks About — and How to Escape It
▶️ You can also watch the full video below.
What Happens to the Parent-Child Relationship During Divorce
Many parents carry a quiet fear during major life transitions.
That the relationship with their child will suffer.
That the changes will create distance.
That something important will be lost.
But as Michelle Cantrell shares, connection does not depend on everything being stable or perfect.
It depends on how we show up inside the change.
Even in something as significant as a midlife or “gray divorce,” connection is still possible. And sometimes, it becomes even stronger.
The Reality of Parenting Through Divorce
One of the most grounding things Michelle shares is this:
Even as a therapist, it was still hard.
There were moments of overwhelm. Moments of uncertainty. Moments where she didn’t get it right.
And that matters, because it speaks to something many parents need to hear.
You don’t have to be perfect to stay connected to your child.
What matters is not avoiding mistakes.
What matters is how you respond to them.
Why Repair Matters More Than Perfection
In parenting, there will always be moments where we miss the mark.
We say too much.
We react too quickly.
We don’t show up the way we hoped.
But connection is not built on getting it right every time.
It is built through repair.
Taking responsibility.
Acknowledging impact.
Doing things differently next time.
As Michelle explains, secure attachment is not about perfection. It’s about how we repair after rupture.
Finding the Line Between Honesty and Boundaries
One of the hardest parts of parenting through divorce is knowing what to share.
Especially when your child sees your pain.
They may ask questions. They may want to help. They may notice when something is wrong.
And there is a balance to find.
Being honest enough to not hide reality.
But boundaried enough to not place the emotional weight on your child.
This is not a perfect line. It’s something you adjust over time.
And sometimes, you’ll cross it.
That’s where repair comes in again.
Why Support Outside the Parent-Child Relationship Matters
One thing that made a difference in maintaining that boundary was having other places to process.
Therapy.
Friends.
Safe spaces to express anger, grief, and frustration.
When those outlets exist, it becomes easier not to lean on your child for emotional support.
This is a key part of maintaining a healthy parent-child dynamic during divorce.
Your child can stay in the role of child.
And you can still show up as the steady adult.
How to Respond When Your Child Is in Pain
Another powerful shift is how we respond when our child shares their own pain.
It is natural to want to fix it.
Or to join in.
Or to explain.
But often, what helps most is something simpler.
Listening.
Acknowledging.
Validating.
Not fixing. Not solving. Not minimizing.
Just being present.
As Michelle describes, the role becomes:
“I’m here to listen.”
And that alone can create safety.
The Challenge of Not Fixing
This part is harder than it sounds.
Because when your child is hurting, it activates your own pain.
You may feel the urge to step in, solve it, or make it go away.
But sometimes, that urge is about easing your discomfort, not theirs.
And when we rush to fix, we may unintentionally send the message:
“I can’t tolerate your pain.”
Staying present instead communicates something different.
“You’re allowed to feel this. And I’m here with you.”
What Kids Actually Remember
One of the most surprising insights from this conversation is what children carry forward.
Parents often remember their mistakes in vivid detail.
The moments they lost patience. The times they felt they failed.
But children don’t hold those moments in the same way.
They remember the overall feeling of the relationship.
The connection.
The repair.
The willingness to come back.
Those become the lasting memories.
The Role of Self-Compassion
A major shift in Michelle’s journey came through self-compassion.
Without it, the cycle of guilt and self-criticism only made things harder.
It created more stress. More pressure. More reactivity.
But when that shifted, something else became possible.
More patience.
More presence.
More connection.
Not because everything became easy.
But because the relationship with herself changed.
When There Is Distance
Sometimes, despite your efforts, there may be distance in the relationship.
This can be one of the most painful experiences as a parent.
But even here, there is something important to hold onto.
Connection is not a linear process.
Relationships expand and contract.
There may be periods of closeness. And periods of space.
Your role is not to force reconnection.
Your role is to be available when your child is ready.
A Gentle Reflection
If you’ve been carrying guilt about how you’ve shown up as a parent, especially during hard seasons, pause for a moment.
Instead of asking:
Did I do it right?
You might ask:
Am I willing to repair, to grow, and to keep showing up?
Because that is what sustains connection over time.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need a perfect past to build a strong relationship with your child.
You don’t need to have handled everything flawlessly.
Connection is built in the ongoing process.
In the willingness to listen.
To take responsibility.
To return, again and again.
And even in the hardest seasons, that is still possible.
🎧 If you’d like to listen to this specific episode directly, you can find it here:
The light in me sees the light in you.
Be well.