Toxic Positivity

What is toxic positivity and why does it matter?

As I started to experience newfound emotional balance and equanimity in my life, a couple of years post burn out, when I had a bad day, I’d panic. I would think to myself, “Oh NO! I’m upset. I’m unhappy. Why aren’t I happy? I’m supposed to be happy now. I’m doing all this emotional work to be happy. WTF universe?!?!”

Then I’d spiral into, “It must be me. I must not be connected enough, getting enough rest, running enough, doing enough yoga, or meditation. I let things get out of balance again.”

I would immediately begin judging myself and trying to find the cause of my bad day. A.k.a. fix my bad mood. “If I just go for a run, I won’t have to feel this way. If I just try harder, do more, I won’t have to feel this way.”

It felt like I was perpetually chasing the good days.

Partly, I think this is human nature. No one likes to suffer, be uncomfortable, or have bad days. Partly, this is our culture. People wear shirts that say, “Choose Joy!”

“F*** that!”

Spending over 25 years in and out of depression, believe me if I could choose joy, I would!!

My emotions don’t feel like a choice and I don’t believe our emotions are a choice. What we do with our emotions, our thoughts, that we can have some control over (with a lot of support, time and effort).

I believe statements like, Choose Joy, are what people refer to as toxic positivity.

The message is, “You should be grateful. You should choose joy. In our culture there is a lot of pressure on women to do it all with a smile, making it look easy and effortless. Again, “F*** THAT!!”

Life is not easy or effortless, even lives like mine with a lot of privilege. And certainly not for those who face more hardships like racism, marginalization, lack of physical or emotional safety or financial stress.

The message, choose joy, and those like it are toxic because when we are struggling, we shame and blame ourselves. We think to ourselves, “Why can’t I choose joy? What’s wrong with me? I should be grateful. I should be able to deal with it or get over it” and on, and on. We beat ourselves down.

Eventually I started to be able to see these destructive patterns in my own thoughts.

This is when I found the weather analogy deeply helpful. Meditation teachers describe emotions like the weather, weather patterns change and emotions change. They come and they go.

Sometimes there are sunny days. Sometimes there are rainy days. Sometimes there are huge thunder storms. Now when I’m having a low mood, I think of it like a gray cloudy rainy day.

The weather weather analogy mirrors my emotions pretty well. Now when I start to fall into judging my emotions I think, “Would I go outside cursing and freaking out because it’s raining? Would I blame myself? If I had run today it would not be raining.”

Of course not. This is ludicrous. Even the idea of it makes me smile. I usually don’t even get upset about the weather. Could I do the same with my changing internal weather of emotions and moods?

Thought for The Day:

We cannot control our emotions. We all have the bad ones and the good ones. It’s normal to have bad days and bad moods. If it is a rainy day emotionally, how can you take care of yourself rather than judge yourself. Maybe you’d like to call or text a friend or plan a coffee date. Maybe you’d like to nap or read a book. Can you give yourself permission to turn on the TV for the kids so you can do something for yourself?

Quick win: I invite you to write down one internal dialogue which falls along the lines of beating yourself up, or judging yourself when you’re having a bad day. For example, “I shouldn’t be upset. What’s wrong with me? Everything is fine in my life. I should be fine too.”

Now write an alternative true statement which offers more comfort and understanding to that part of you having a bad day. See example below.