There are moments in parenting that can feel impossible.
Your child melts down.
They scream.
Hide.
Shut down.
Push you away.
And inside yourself, you feel pulled in two directions at once.
Part of you wants to help them.
And another part just wants the moment to stop.
If you know that feeling, you are not alone. And according to emotionally focused family therapists Kathryn de Bruin and Ronda Evans, that tension inside parents is one of the hardest parts of parenting itself.
If you’d rather listen, you can tune into the podcast here:
🎧 The Cycle No One Talks About — and How to Escape It
▶️ You can also watch the full video below.
What Happens Inside Parents During a Child’s Meltdown
One of the most powerful moments in this conversation was hearing both therapists openly describe their own struggles staying calm with their children.
Not because they lack knowledge.
Not because they are doing parenting “wrong.”
But because parenting activates so many competing emotions all at once.
Guilt.
Stress.
Pressure.
Fear.
Helplessness.
Conflicting needs.
Parents are often trying to care for everyone at the same time while also carrying their own exhaustion and emotional load.
And when a child becomes dysregulated, all of that rises to the surface.
As Kathryn explained, parents are not usually dealing with one emotion in these moments. They are carrying multiple emotions pulling them in different directions at once.
That matters.
Because many parents assume losing their calm means they have failed.
But emotionally focused family therapy sees something different.
It sees overwhelmed nervous systems colliding with each other.
Your Child’s Behavior Is Not the Whole Story
One of the core ideas in emotionally focused family therapy is this:
Behavior is communication.
Children are not just acting randomly.
Even difficult behavior is often an attachment signal.
A reach for connection.
A request for help.
A way of saying something they do not yet have words for.
The challenge is that what children need internally often looks very different externally.
A child who needs comfort may yell.
A child who feels scared may shut down.
A child who feels overwhelmed may become aggressive or defiant.
As Kathryn explained, the “package” on the outside does not always match what is happening underneath.
And this is where so many parents get stuck.
Because we naturally react to the outside behavior first.
Why Parents Focus on the Behavior
Most of us were taught to correct behavior immediately.
Stop the tantrum.
Fix the disrespect.
Control the reaction.
But emotionally focused family therapy asks a different question:
What is happening underneath this behavior?
That shift changes everything.
Instead of only focusing on what the child is doing outwardly, parents begin to get curious about the softer emotions underneath.
Fear.
Sadness.
Embarrassment.
Disappointment.
Loneliness.
And often, the bigger the outward reaction, the more vulnerable the inner experience actually is.
Why This Can Feel So Triggering
This approach sounds beautiful in theory.
But in real life, it can feel incredibly difficult.
Because your child’s emotional distress also activates your own emotional history.
Parents often carry their own fears about:
Being judged
Failing
Raising “disrespectful” children
Losing control
Getting it wrong
And those fears can make it hard to stay grounded when children fall apart.
One of the most compassionate parts of this conversation was hearing Kathryn and Ronda normalize this struggle so openly.
Not as failure.
But as part of being human.
Children Cannot Always Explain Their Feelings
Another important point from the interview was this:
Children often do not have the language to explain what is happening inside them.
Parents may ask:
“What’s wrong?”
“Use your words.”
“Tell me what’s happening.”
But many children genuinely cannot organize their emotions that way yet.
That does not mean nothing is happening internally.
It simply means their feelings are coming out through behavior instead of language.
This is one reason emotionally focused family therapy often incorporates play, creativity, movement, and nonverbal expression.
Why Play Helps Children Feel Safe
Play is not “extra.”
It is one of the most natural emotional languages children have.
Through play, children can:
Release stress
Express feelings safely
Reconnect with parents
Process difficult experiences
Feel emotionally regulated again
As Kathryn explained, play brings children into the present moment and creates connection without requiring complicated verbal explanations.
Sometimes healing happens through:
Laughter
Pretend play
Drawing
Silliness
Shared games
Playful connection
Not through long conversations.
And many parents are already doing this naturally without realizing how powerful it is.
Why Parents Need Compassion Too
One of the strongest themes throughout the interview was this:
Parents need support too.
Emotionally focused family therapy does not blame parents.
It assumes parents deeply love their children and are doing the best they can with the emotional resources available to them.
And often, when parents themselves feel understood and emotionally supported, they naturally begin responding differently to their children.
Not because someone forced them to.
But because they feel more grounded.
More connected.
More regulated themselves.
Repair Matters More Than Perfection
There was also a beautiful reminder near the end of the conversation:
Parents will miss moments.
Everyone does.
You will react sometimes.
You will lose your calm sometimes.
You will have moments you wish you could redo.
That does not mean the relationship is ruined.
Repair matters deeply.
Even simply saying:
“I got really overwhelmed earlier.”
“I wish I handled that differently.”
“What was that like for you?”
can help rebuild safety and connection.
Children do not need perfect parents.
They need parents willing to reconnect.
A Gentle Reflection
The next time your child falls apart, pause for a moment before reacting.
And ask yourself:
What might be underneath this behavior right now?
You do not need to get it perfectly right.
Curiosity itself changes the moment.
Final Thoughts
Emotionally focused family therapy reminds us that behavior is rarely just behavior.
Underneath the yelling, hiding, silence, or anger, there is usually something softer asking to be seen.
And underneath many parents’ reactions, there is often fear, pressure, guilt, and overwhelm too.
When families begin understanding both sides with more compassion, something powerful shifts.
Not perfection.
But connection.
🎧 If you’d like to listen to this specific episode directly, you can find it here:
The light in me sees the light in you.
Be well.