When my kids fight, it’s hard not to react.
These are the people I love most in the world. And part of me believes it’s my job to keep them safe, to make things right, to stop the conflict as quickly as possible.
So when they go at each other, it hurts.
And if I’m honest, I haven’t always responded the way I wanted to.
Sometimes I yelled.
Sometimes I pulled them apart harshly.
Sometimes I tried to stay calm… but inside I felt frustrated, powerless, and overwhelmed.
And even after they moved on, I often couldn’t.
I carried it with me — into dinner, into the rest of the day.
If you’d rather listen, you can tune into the podcast here:
🎧 Sibling Fighting: Why It Feels So Hard — and What Actually Helps
▶️ You can also watch the full video below.
The Moment I Realized What Was Really Hard
I started talking about this in my support spaces — with my listening partner and in the Play Collective.
And something became clear.
The hardest moment for me wasn’t actually the fighting itself.
It was this:
If I tried to stop it… and it didn’t work right away…
I felt like I was failing.
And underneath that?
I felt powerless.
That’s what sent me into a spiral.
The Shift That Changed Everything
At some point, I asked myself:
What if sibling fighting is not something I can eliminate?
What if, no matter how connected I am as a parent…
my kids will still fight?
Because the truth is:
Siblings fight.
Not because something is wrong.
Not because you’re failing.
But because they are human, learning, growing, and sharing space.
That realization brought relief.
My kids will fight.
It is not my job to make sure they never do.
I can support them.
I can guide them.
I can set limits.
But I cannot erase conflict completely.
What Was Actually Fueling My Reactions
When I looked closer, I noticed something important.
Their fighting didn’t affect me the same way every time.
If I felt calm and grounded, I could respond more easily.
I could redirect. Set a limit. Move on.
But if I was already on edge?
Their fighting became the last straw.
Everything I was carrying came pouring out.
And there was another pattern:
If I was already struggling… and I tried to intervene calmly… and it didn’t work…
I spiraled fast.
“This isn’t working.”
“I’m failing.”
“This is hopeless.”
That’s where things got heavy.
A Different Way to Respond
Once I saw the pattern, I had a choice.
If I was already close to my edge, I stopped forcing myself to intervene right away.
Instead, I asked:
Is anyone in physical danger?
If not, I gave myself permission to step away.
To breathe.
To regulate.
To come back when I had more capacity.
Because when I intervened from overwhelm, it didn’t help.
It made things worse.
But when I had space in my system — when my “emotional backpack” felt lighter — I could respond differently.
More calmly.
More clearly.
More effectively.
What Actually Helps in the Moment
When I have the capacity, I focus on two things:
1. A clear, calm limit
“This isn’t okay. I won’t let you hurt each other.”
Simple. Steady. Grounded.
2. Regulating myself first
Because my state matters.
If I’m dysregulated, I bring more chaos into the situation.
If I’m calm, I bring clarity.
When Playfulness Is Available
Sometimes — not always, but sometimes — I can access play.
And that can shift everything.
I’ve walked into the room with underwear on my head.
Acted completely normal.
And when my kids stared at me, confused, I pretended I had no idea what they were talking about.
Or I turned on music and danced like no one was watching.
It sounds silly.
And it is.
But it changes the energy.
It interrupts the pattern.
It helps everyone reset.
A Thought to Sit With
Sibling fighting can be very triggering.
Especially when it’s repetitive. Loud. Hurtful.
It’s easy to focus entirely on our kids:
Why are they doing this?
How do I stop it?
What do they need to change?
But it’s just as important to ask:
What’s happening inside me right now?
Where am I getting stuck?
What am I feeling?
What do I need?
Because whatever is happening inside you will show up in how you respond.
A Simple Practice
Try this:
1. Notice your early signs
How do you know you’re close to your edge?
Maybe you feel:
- tense
- rigid
- exhausted
2. Have a backup plan
When your kids start fighting, and you’re not in a good place, what can you do instead?
(Assuming everyone is safe)
- Step into another room
- Text a friend
- Take a quick break
- Use a calming audio
- Take a shower
What helps you reset?
A Gentle Reminder
You are not failing because your kids fight.
You are not doing it wrong.
You are parenting real humans.
And conflict is part of that.
What matters most is not that you stop every fight.
It’s how you show up over time.
And that starts with how you support yourself.
🎧 If you’d like to listen to this specific episode directly, you can find it here.
The light in me sees the light in you.
Be well.