Not Always Easy for Parents
I got on the floor begrudgingly to play with my 4-year-old. Simultaneously I was disappointed that I didn’t really want to play. Sometimes it seemed like doing the laundry or dishes was more appealing than play.
What was happening with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Answer: NOTHING. And nothing is wrong with you either if you can relate.
This is not what I expected being a parent would be like. I could not wait to be a parent. I thought I would love playing with my kids every chance I got and I certainly would have never guessed I would rather do the laundry over playing. Play is not always as easy or as accessible as we might have thought it would be as parents. There are many reasons our playful side can get blocked as parents. The better we understand the good reasons why we are not that into play the more likely we can unpack and work through them.
It is often helpful to get curious about what play was like for us as a child. If we were not played with or we had negative experiences with play we might not be as open to play as adults. Ask yourself a few questions to better understand your own experiences of play.
1. Get Curious About Your Own Play Growing Up
Write out a few memories of your favorite things to play growing up. What toys did you like? What kind of play did you like?
Did you: Have elaborate imaginary play? Do “toys talk” as my kids liked to call it, having your toys talk to each other? Prefer to play outside? Like rough and tumble or more quiet play?
As you write about your own memories, notice any feelings that come up for you. Do you have warm good feelings as you reflect on fond memories? Do you have any pain or sadness as difficult memories come to the surface? Or a mix or both? Are there any memories that are coming up that might come up for you when your child wants to play?
Write out a few memories of playing with a friend, sibling and/or parent? What did you play together? What did you like or not like about the play? Who did you most like to play with? Who did you most want to play with? What did you most want to play? Did you get to play with that person or what you most wanted to play with anyone?
Again, as you reflect on the questions above, notice what emotions come up for you? Are there any memories which provoke difficult emotions or difficult memories? Could any of the difficult memories come up for you when your child wants to play with you?
2. Talk It Out
Once you have reflected on some of your playful memories growing up both the positive and difficult, share your memories with someone you trust. You might talk them through with a friend, sibling, therapist, parent group, or parenting coach. It is helpful to talk through your experiences with play. Talking about past experiences can help us make connections, better understand ourselves and move through difficult emotions.
3. Celebrate Your Parenting Play Wins
We often focus on the changes we want to make and where we feel we are lacking. Take the time to celebrate your playful side in general and with your kids. Write down any memories that come to mind when you felt playful and were having fun. When do you currently feel playful in your life? Singing in the shower? Dancing in the kitchen? Making silly jokes?
Write down a few of your favorite memories of being playful with your child(ren). List what you enjoyed most about the memories. What do you remember about how your child responded? What are a few ways you are playful with your kids in your everyday life? Such as, telling your preteen how much you love them as they roll their eyes? Do you joke with your kiddo about their messiness? Do you love to watch silly movies or shows with your kids? You might be more playful than you realize.
4. Compassion For Your Feelings About Play and Past Experiences
When we feel difficult feelings, oftentimes they are followed by judgments about those feelings. In psychology this is known as meta-emotions. We cannot control the initial difficult feelings that naturally arise. We can notice the judgment we have of ourselves and we can instead offer ourselves compassion.
Let’s paint the picture. You are at the sink washing dishes (because you live there) and your kiddo asks you to play. As you say, “No baby, I need to finish the dishes then I need to …” (do about 1000 other things) you nearly instantly feel a mix of guilt, sadness, and disappointment.
Compassionate self-talk: “Ouch. It sucks that my kiddo wants to play and I don’t want to play with them. (mindfully naming the emotion) It’s normal and reasonable that I feel a mix of emotions right now. There are probably other parents going through this exact scenario right now in their house, maybe even in my neighborhood. (common humanity) I’m not alone and there are good reasons why play is tough for me.” (compassion)
5. Improving Play through Guided Visualization
It can be helpful to imagine things going how we would like them to go when it comes to parenting play. This can also be healing if we did not have good experiences with play growing up. There are lots of ways to do this so choose what feels most accessible to you. I’ll provide a couple options as jumping off points.
Imagine your younger self playing whatever you loved to play when you were little, for me it was barbies. Imagine you as an adult going and sitting down beside your little self and picking up the dolls and joining in. You might be outside playing catch or exploring the woods. Whatever you loved to do, bring you as an adult into the scene and join in the fun. Set a timer and let your imagination play out for 3 to 5 minutes. Afterwards journal what that experience was like for you. How was it for you as an adult? How did your younger self feel having you join in the play? What was it like for you as an adult to go back in time and play with your younger self?
Next time you imagine joining your younger self you might also imagine your child also going back in time and being there with you and joining in the fun too. Use the above journaling questions to reflect on the experience. Also, how did things change when you imagined bringing in your child? Was it easy or challenging and why?
Another option is to imagine playing your favorite thing (or hate the least) with your own child. Imagine you are well rested, the chores are done (maybe magically someone did them for you) you are feeling light and in a good mood. As you play with your kiddo, notice their facial expression and body language. How are they feeling as you all are playing together? (I know play is not always perfect so try to remember a moment that was easy and fun). Notice how you feel. Notice your body language and your facial expressions. Stay in the imaginary scene for 3 to 5 minutes. Afterwards journal what that experience was like for you. Which was easier, going back in time to play with your younger self or imagining playing with your child in present day?
The next time you might invite your younger self to be there with you and your child in that scene. Imagine your younger self playing and joining in the fun with you and your kiddo in your current home. Journal about the experience with the above questions. Also, how did things change when you imagined bringing in your younger self? Was it easy or challenging and why?
Thought for the Day: Less Guilt, More Playful Moments
There are many reasons we may struggle with play. In previous blogs I mentioned parent burn out, being too busy, the stress of always feeling busy, feeling bored or uninterested in what our child wants to play. Today we discussed early childhood experiences that might get in the way of play. Whatever reasons you may be feeling blocked around play are valid. When we can bring curiosity, free of judgment, and compassion we can learn a lot about what is happening with us. At the very least hopefully we will experience less parent guilt. Less guilt = a more light hearted and playful you.
Parenting Quick Win
1. Get curious about your experiences with play growing up.
2. Talk about your early experiences with someone you trust.
3. Celebrate your wins. You are likely more playful than you are giving yourself credit for.
4. Meet yourself with compassion when you notice guilt or self-criticism around play (or any part of parenting):
- Mindfully name the emotion
- Common humanity – you are not alone in your feelings or experiences
- Compassion – I’m not alone and there are good reasons why playing is tough for me.”
5. Guided Visualization – Imagine playing with your kiddo looking and feeling the way you want it to.
This blog is dedicated to my play mentors the late Chiara Rossetti (who sadly died in 2024) and Helena Mooney. I joined their Play Collective group about 2 – 3 years ago. They have shared countless ideas of how to incorporate play into my parenting. They have helped me find ways to make play more accessible when for the longest time it felt out of reach. I love their creative ideas. Thank you Helena and Chiara!
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity. I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.