Deeper hurts have a way of sneaking up on us. We can often experience a deeper hurt from a past event without even realizing it. We might not know we are struggling with deeper emotions from past events until we are losing it on our kids or partner. There are times, even with all my newfound mindfulness, that my deeper hurts still surprise me. I find myself short and edgy with my kids &/or partner and then realize, “I must be dealing with something deeper.” In the not-too-recent past, I felt really hurt when my partner didn’t talk to me over dinner. Dinner is a busy, loud affair in our house with three youngish kids. It is often very difficult for my partner and I to talk or have a conversation during dinner. On this particular night, when I tried to share something with my partner at dinner that I was excited about, I felt slighted and ignored. He responded, but we couldn’t converse. Later that night, I was staring at him. (As you do when you are angry but don’t want to fight.) He asked what was wrong, and I complained about something else that had been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I was aware that I was more bothered by these little things than usual. I was also trying not to get into a big fight about any of it but he had asked so it all came spilling out. After a lot of back-and-forth, he asked, “Are you sure there’s not something else that’s bothering you because your reaction seems bigger than usual?” (Sometimes, he knows me better than I know myself.) Then I remembered that morning I had talked in my parenting group about particularly painful feelings in my adolescence. I was struggling with feelings, and I was pretty unaware how much I was struggling, so much so it came out as first criticisms and complaints to my spouse.
When my partner asked, is there something else wrong? I had a chance to mindfully reflect: “Was there something else? Something deeper?” After the fact, I find these moments fascinating. After several years of intentional, mindful meditation and therapy, there are still times my emotions are sneaky and surprise me. Times when I am yelling about one thing but deep down I am really upset about something else and initially unaware. I’m not alone because I see this happen all the time with the couples that I work with and it seems to baffle others when it happens to them as much as it does me.
It makes sense that we get disconnected from our emotions as young people for many different reasons. Being disconnected helps us cope with situations that might otherwise overwhelm us. These coping strategies don’t just turn off like a light switch in adulthood or when we are no longer in the situation where we first developed them. They are still there for us when we need them and sometimes, if we don’t.
I have found compassion to be my best friend in situations like these. I can bring compassion for my feelings of hurt and feeling ignored by my partner. I can also bring compassion to the more painful underlying emotion from my adolescence. I was able to take responsibility for being critical to my partner and tell him more about my deeper hurt feelings that were possibly triggered at dinner when we couldn’t talk. There was another possibility as well. Perhaps I felt more vulnerable after having gotten in touch with those painful emotions during my adolescence and needed more comfort and support. When I was trying to engage in conversation with my partner, I was looking to be held emotionally. When normal everyday life prevented that, I was much more hurt than usual and couldn’t let it roll off my back.
Thought for the Day
It is not always obvious where our big emotions are coming from. We may feel certain our emotions are related to the thing that is happening right in front of us. As true as that may be, it may also only be part of the story. It is normal for old hurts to come to the surface, especially in conflict with important people in our life. If your reaction or emotion is a 10 and the situation is more like a five or less then it’s a great opportunity to ask yourself, does this feeling feel familiar? Have I felt this at other times in my life? Is there something else that is happening here for me?
Quick Win:
Check out the graphic on the blog to check in with your own emotions.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links.