Driving home from vacation one summer several years ago, my partner said, “I am not sure we will have enough money to get through the end of the year.” My stomach sank. My mind began to race. “Where had all the money gone? How much were we spending? How did he let this happen?” I had been blissfully unaware of our family finances for years. I let my partner, unfairly, carry the burden of the bills, monitoring spending, and everything related to our family finances. I just spent and spent and did not think much about it. Occasionally I would ask, “Can we afford this?” but that was the extent of my knowledge of our finances.
This moment was a wake-up call. It was unfair and no longer ok with me to remain blissfully unaware of our family finances. I had to open my eyes, get curious, and be willing to own my part in our family’s spending and overspending. Initially, I was panicked. My thoughts were spinning, “Where does all the money go??? How much did we spend on eating out last month? How much did we spend on Amazon last week?” Feelings of shock, overwhelm, and fear coursed through me. “We have to rein it in!!!”
First, I wanted to better understand my spending. What drove me to spend and why I struggled to rein it in? I have never been an out-of-control spender, but I have regularly fallen into the trap of I’ll be happy when I have that new shiny thing. I have also fallen into the keeping up with the Joneses trap. I look over at someone else’s new shiny car or home and fantasize about how happy and confident I would feel driving that beautiful car or living in that amazing home.
We live in a consumer driven society. The commercials I watched and every ad I ever saw growing up taught me I would be happy when I had that new shiny thing.
I first started to really think differently about my spending and what drove my spending after watching the Minimalist documentary and reading Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus’s book, MINIMALISM.
I related to the internal drive they described to have more at almost any cost.
I have never boxed up all my stuff to become a minimalist but I do try to think about what I already have and what I actually need before making a purchase. I also try to notice feelings of, “I need a second pair of slippers, purse, etc.” I will ask myself if there is something else happening besides the need for a cute new thing. Such as, “Am I feeling anxious about something and just looking to take the edge off of that feeling?”
I remind myself that this new item will be fun for a while but eventually I will habituate to it and it will not make me truly happy. Initially surface happy – yes, deep down happy – no.
Secondly, in my quest to be more aware of my family’s finances, I began reading books on the topic of finances and budgeting. At the Minimalist’s suggestion, I read Dave Ramsey’s book, The Total Money MakeOver and began using the Every Dollar Tracker App. This book changed how I looked at my spending, budgeting, and the elusive American Dream. It seemed as though the American dream was to live in s*** loads of debt to be happy and keep up with the Joneses. I started to reconsider debt, credit card spending, and who was making money off my debt and living outside my means. After reading that book we used the debt snowball method to once and for all pay off our student loans, pay off our car loans, and began paying extra on our mortgage each month. It took a long time but it felt amazing to get out from under all of that debt.
I also recently read Allison Baggerly’s book Money Made Easy: How to Budget, Pay Off Debt, & Save Money which I loved because she shares her own stories of emotional spending and what she commonly sees as people’s blocks to keeping a budget. I fell into every trap she described and I now have a more realistic system I use after listening to her book. Thank you Allison!
All of the above keeps me more aware of my spending. Spending responsibly is tough because I do have to spend money. I will likely always have at least fleeting feelings of envy, wanting to keep up with the Joneses, and “I’ll be happy when I have ….” Given that I cannot eradicate those thoughts and feelings I try instead to focus on what I can control which is being mindful about how I spend and attempting to have balance in my spending and budgeting.
Currently, in an effort to regain balance in my spending I have noticed I can have intensely strong cravings to spend. I have also noticed that I do not want to wait until tomorrow or next week to press purchase. I want it NOW or better yet yesterday. No wonder Amazon is so wildly successful. Uggg. Amazon is taking all my money. (OK I am giving Amazon all of my money.)
At one point I made the intention to only make online purchases once a week. I never actually followed through with this online purchases-only once-a-week plan. It still sounds like a great idea but for whatever reason it does not work for me so instead I have continued trying to maintain our budget and be aware of our spending and over spending. I try not to beat myself up or berate myself when I impulsively spend and instead just keep trying to have balance in spending and keeping a budget. It is helpful to see it will never be perfect but that does not mean I have to give up on my goals.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist, and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment, please find a qualified professional in your area.