At 6:30 am, only a couple of sips of coffee into the day, I sit across from my child, groaning at the breakfast table because we do not have the right cereal. I put my head in my hands as a feeling of annoyance and frustration started to creep in. My mind starts to wander to happier places to avoid the nails-on-the-chalkboard whining. I begin engaging in magical thinking, imagining having a dog and how happy said child will be to wake up the sweet dog every day. Aww, I had escaped into the romantic daydream of having an awesome family dog.
I love romantic thinking. It has been my favorite way of coping with depression over the years. I used to do it without even realizing it. My flavor of romanticism has a touch of idealistic and magical thinking. It is when I believe that some new thing or experience will save me from a current less than desirable situation in some way. For example, “When I move into a new house I will feel better, saner, and happier.” “When we get a dog the kids will be happier and if they are happier I will be happier.” In my romantic thinking, I am so proficient that I can completely ignore any possible downside. I get very angry and upset if someone wants to be practical and consider all aspects of that new house or dog. You can see how romanticism starts to be problematic.
In my mediation practice, I came to see my pattern of what I dubbed magical thinking. I came to see how it becomes my hope, my light at the end of the tunnel. No wonder when my partner was trying to be practical or realistic, which I interpreted as negative and pessimistic, I nearly bit his head off. It was as if he was taking away my hope for a way out of my darkness.
The downside of my magical thinking (outside of marital conflict) was that when I did eventually get the thing, I was really happy for a while then I would habituate and plummet into deeper despair because it was not the magic bullet out of depression and despair I had hoped it would be.
Today I try to be more realistic with myself which can be a real bummer. It feels like noticing magical thinking is letting go of my joy, excitement, and enthusiasm for life. It is not easy. In reality, I do not have to let go of the excitement completely but I do want to zoom out and see the whole of the situation whatever it may be. Yes, getting a new dog will be exciting and fun but it will also be hard at times. Seeing the whole picture helps me approach big decisions with more balance and clarity.
Thought for the Day
Magical thinking has its upsides. Honestly, I am grateful this is how my young mind learned to cope with life and I brought it into adulthood. I am grateful as an adult I could have childlike excitement without being weighed down by reality. It has helped me take risks such as writing this article and sharing it with you. I also want to be aware of my magical thinking so I do not get burned by reality and I can be more realistic, planning for the challenges of life too. I want to have balance in my thinking.
Quick Win
Becoming more aware of our coping style does not always mean we have to eradicate them completely. Instead, we can notice and get curious so we can bring ourselves into more balance.
If you want to learn more about thinking styles check out the articles The 5 Styles of Thinking, Explained and What are the 5 thinking styles? Understanding different types of thinkers.
I have a free gift for you, the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.