Why Do I Lose my Patience with my kids? And How do I Get it Back?
One morning during the 2nd week of school, we were all headed out the door and getting on our bikes when one of my kids, overwhelmed by parenting stress, started saying they did not want to go to school. Instead of getting on their bike, they began fiddling with it. I got short and snappy with them. “Get on your bike! We have to go! Come on! We cannot be late!” I could feel the heat rising in my body. Unfortunately, my response dialed up the situation, and now upset with me, my kiddo stomped inside, saying she was not going to school.
F&*%ing, S%^&!!! I wanted to scream and yell! A tidal wave of anger and parenting stress came flooding through my body. My heart was racing. I was very aware of how angry I was and that anything I said at that moment was only going to make things worse. Even though part of me was aware, another part was triggered. I had “flipped my lid,” as Daniel Siegel describes. My triggered part was panicking about being late and very angry. Against my better judgment, I yelled at my kiddo, “Get downstairs, or I am going to have to leave without you.” I was never going to actually leave without her. I hate it when my triggered brain hijacks me and I start saying unhelpful things that only exacerbate the situation.
I gave up on bikes that day for fear we would be late, and we piled in the car instead. Sadly, I was still stuck in anger, making grumpy comments about how long the car rider line was that day. This seemed to give my other two kiddos permission to pile on, making my kiddo who was initially struggling feel worse and worse.
Yuck! I did not like my behavior or how I felt. The parenting stress was overwhelming. I needed to take a closer look at what was happening with me from a place of compassion. During the exchange with my kiddo, I remembered saying to myself, “I am angry. It is normal to be angry when you are trying to get three kids to school on time by yourself and one of them derails the process for unknown reasons. Lots of parents are probably struggling with this same dilemma right now. I am not alone.” It did not take away my anger at the moment; however, I believe it did keep things from getting worse.
In reflection, what made me the saddest was that I was so wrapped up in my parenting stress and frustration that I could not see my seven-year-old child was struggling. It is perfectly reasonable for my little one to be struggling in the second week of school. At that moment, I was consumed with my own experience—“I must get the kids to school on time or else!!!” I continued to get curious about what had been happening with me by asking myself questions about my experience. “Was I also struggling with the transition of starting school? How was my client load? Was work a lot right now?” Yes, yes, and yes, but there was something else.
In a conversation with my partner, I started to list off everything that might be bothering me. The two biggest stressors were trying to complete my sex therapy training as soon as possible. In an effort to complete it ASAP, I was listening to trainings and reading any moment I could—getting ready, on the way to work, at lunch, while making dinner, and before bed. It was TOO MUCH. I was burning myself out. My partner suggested I take a break, which felt impossible even though the deadline was self-imposed. Why was I doing this to myself, and could I take a step back now that I saw how much parenting stress it was creating for me?
Thought for the Day
Sometimes difficult moments with our kids can be a window into how we are feeling and what is happening inside for us. Our stressors and what is truly bothering us are not always obvious or on the surface. Parenting stress often plays a bigger role than we realize.
Quick Win
Stepping out of edgy and irritable parenting moments.
- Notice: Noticing you are struggling and getting short with your kids is powerful. Instead of being swept up in it and continuing to be stuck in reactivity, you are aware you are reacting differently than usual. You have created space between your thoughts and your reactions.
- Pause internal judgment: We might be inclined to judge ourselves harshly in these moments and beat ourselves up for interacting with our kids in ways we do not like. Slipping into harsh internal judgment will make it nearly impossible to understand what is happening within ourselves; instead, we are more likely to shut down emotionally and learn nothing from the situation.
- Get Curious: Ask yourself what is happening with me? What am I struggling with today? Let your current stressors come to mind. Notice there are good reasons for your big reaction, likely fueled by parenting stress.
- Self-compassion: What would you say to a friend struggling with your stressors? What do you hope a friend would say to you? If I were your friend, I would tell you, “I see how hard you are trying. I know you do not want to get sharp with your kids. I know how important it is to you to be patient and responsive in tough moments. It is perfectly reasonable to get edgy from time to time. Most people would be stressed and edgy with what you have on your plate. You are doing a great job. You will be able to reconnect with your kiddos after school. What do you need right now? A walk, text a friend, lie down on your bed for 1 minute?”
Notice how a friend offers understanding and unconditional support. For many of us, the inner critic is so loud it is hard to even think of what a compassionate friend might say. Being more compassionate with ourselves will make it that much easier to be compassionate with our kiddos and make it a little easier to catch ourselves and slow down sticky parenting moments.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
I have a free gift for you, the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.