Being an informed parent is sometimes a double-edged sword. I would never trade in my knowledge but as a person who has lived with chronic anxiety, knowledge about the harmful impact of things on my kids, such as too much screen time, has a unique way of triggering my anxiety. I get stuck in ruminating thoughts. I live in fear of the worst-case scenario. All of which made it difficult to set boundaries with balance and confidence.
“Ok buddy it is time to turn it off.” No response. “You have 2 minutes then we are turning it off.” No response. “Hey what are you building? That looks cool. Is that your house?” My son then launches into a detailed description of what he is building without ever taking his eyes off of the screen. At least I have his attention now. My son’s trouble turning off video games is always a trigger for my fear and anxiety. My internal dialogue launches into questions: “How much screen time is too much? Which video games are worse than others? Should we re-evaluate our current limits? Will he be able to self-regulate and find balance with his screen time as a teen and young adult? What if he can’t? How can I help him make that possible today? AWWWWW!!!”
I had to develop a new way of relating to my anxiety so it did not completely hijack my life. Compassion and support provide me with the strength to stay with difficult feelings such as fears and anxiety so I can listen to my anxiety and hear what it might be trying to tell me. When those fearful thoughts arise my first course of action is to bring them to my parenting coach. She has a unique way of letting me express my fears and help me understand any ties to my own childhood. She does not offer advice or provide a solution. (Unless I specifically ask for solutions and advice.) She moves from the belief that I have everything I need to make the decision about my kids’ screen time with balance and confidence already inside me and that the anxiety is just stirring up fearful thoughts making it difficult to think clearly and instead getting stuck in self-doubt, indecision, and overwhelm.
It is as if my brain is a stream. When it is clear and calm the water is clear and calm. You can see clearly which direction the water is moving and you can see through the clear water to the bottom of the stream. When anxiety and fear take hold, it is as if something has disturbed the stream, churning up the water. When the water is disturbed the dirt from the bottom of the stream gets agitated. The water is now muddled. You can no longer see clearly to the bottom or even tell which direction the current is moving. It is confusing and chaotic.
Talking to my parenting coach begins to help the water start to calm. I also need tools to manage my anxiety on my own. When my mind fills with anxious thoughts I use the R.A.I.N. practice to calm my mind and organize my thoughts.
R.A.I.N. (Recognize, Allow, Interconnected, Need)
- R- Recognize
- “I am experiencing anxiety and fear.”
- Labeling our emotions helps slow down the feedback loop of the anxious thoughts in our mind and experiencing anxiety in the body. Our anxious thoughts tell us there is something wrong and we need to be on alert. Our body responds by releasing the stress hormone, cortisol. We feel the stress in our body which fuels our anxious thoughts. This negative feedback loop is the water getting churned up making it more and more difficult to think clearly.
- A – Allow
- Can we allow the feelings of anxiety and fear to exist within us knowing they are there to try to help us vs judge ourselves for how we are feeling or push the uncomfortable emotions away?
- I – Interconnected
- We are not alone. Especially with the issue of screens and our kids. I cannot think of a time when I talked to a parent and they did not have some level of concern about their children’s relationships with screens. Screen time is talked about at the pediatrician’s office, in the media, in parenting books and on and on. The point is you are not alone in your concern and worry about your child’s screen time. We as a society are collectively concerned and looking to find balance and reasonable limits with screens.
- You can imagine another parent or group of parents who has the same struggles, thoughts and concerns related to screen time. You are not alone.
- N – Need/Nurture
- What do you need in the moment to offer comfort to feelings of anxiety and fear? Possible ideas:
- Support, such as calling or texting a friend, parenting coach, etc.
- Offer self-compassion (what you would like a friend to say to you in those moments) “You are a good parent. It is understandable you are anxious. You are anxious because you care so much. Screen time is an ongoing struggle for most parents. Your boundaries and limits are reasonable. You will change them as you need to because you are an informed parent that cares.”
- What do you need in the moment to offer comfort to feelings of anxiety and fear? Possible ideas:
Thought for the Day
The more balanced we feel inside the easier it is to respond calmly when our child is having trouble turning off their screen. If you are triggered by your child’s screen time there is a good reason. Let it be your guide to get curious about your anxiety. Is there a friend, therapist or parenting coach you can talk your fears through with? On your own you can use the R.A.I.N. practice to slow down your anxious thoughts and get clear about what you need related to your kids screen time and your anxiety.
Quick Win
- Get support – talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or coach (You don’t have to do it alone or have all the answers.)
- R.A.I.N. Practice
- R – Recognize (Name your emotion to gain space)
- A – Allow (Allow your emotions to be present)
- I – Interconnected (You are not alone in your struggle)
- N – Need (What does the part of you experiencing worry need?)
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.