I sat crying on the bathroom floor after losing it again with my kids. I was tired and I felt totally ashamed that I couldn’t get my emotions under control. At least I had learned how to step away and to keep from making the situation worse. But it didn’t feel great to be so easily triggered and to feel out of control with my emotions. I wanted help. I wanted hope.
I turned to books as I so often do in these situations. In Dr Lara Markham’s workbook, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook: Using Mindfulness and Connection to Raise Resilient, Joyful Children and Rediscover Your Love of Parenting, she described a magical pill that would reduce anxiety, reduce reactivity, reduce depression among with many other benefits, and zero side effects. There was one catch. It takes 30 minutes to take the “pill.” The pill she was referring to was of course meditation.
I was not new to meditation at the time. I had been experimenting with meditation since early in my career as a therapist because there’s so much research around the benefits of meditation. However, I had never created a consistent practice. That day, while reading I was desperate for a change and desperate to feel better. In this case, desperation was a powerful motivator. I decided to meditate for 30 minutes a day.
I don’t remember slow gradual changes, but I do remember after about a month of practicing for 30 minutes a day, about five days a week. I had successfully created more bandwidth. My kids hadn’t changed. My situation hadn’t changed. The only thing that had changed was me. Now, the same triggers would occur: my kids fighting, ignoring me, talking back, etc. You name it. All of the triggers that would have previously instantly left me feeling unhinged. I now had space between the trigger and my reaction.
It was a strange feeling and experience at first. I started to notice when my kids would do something that would have previously left me feeling triggered. I now felt more frustrated than outraged. A few things happened simultaneously. The same triggers just weren’t as triggering. My kids fighting would still be upsetting and frustrating but instead of a ten, it was more like a five. My emotions as a result were not as big and overwhelming. I could better manage my own emotions and of course, better respond to the situation from a place of calm versus rage.
As well as things being less triggering, there was more internal space and awareness. Because I wasn’t instantly triggered I could consider what might be happening with the kiddo who was having a hard time. I could remember that it was likely situational and not an example of my child’s true character. I had space and time to think about how I wanted to respond and what would be the best response in the situation.
It started to feel like situations that used to be chaotic emotionally, fraught with big and nearly immediate reactions, were now slowed down matrix style. I could see more clearly, and I had more understanding of what was happening with my child or children and myself. Meditation provided such profound and relatively quick positive benefits that I’ve stuck with it ever since.
I haven’t been able to continue 30 minutes a day five days a week. However, I wish I could. I imagine I’d like the results. What I have been able to do is continue a nearly daily meditation practice that ranges between five minutes and 30 minutes for the last 3 ½ years.
I continue to meditate because the benefits didn’t stop at just helping me be less triggered and more able to respond rather than react to my most challenging parenting moments. Meditation has helped me be able to identify my patterns in relationships and how I relate to my life. These patterns can be both positive and negative.
A core theme in mindful meditation is to create a curious and open relationship with our internal world. In other words when we notice something that creates struggle in our lives and we subsequently beat ourselves up or if we’re able to give ourselves grace. I am committed to making meditation a lifelong practice because it helps me better understand myself, practice being present in my life, and be able to continue to grow as a human being.
You might be thinking, That’s all well and good for you Michelle but meditation is not for me. I’ve tried it. I didn’t like it. I’ve tried it and I could not do it. I’m not good at it or I don’t want to try it because it sounds like torture. All of which are totally reasonable thoughts and concerns.
Three reasons to give mediation a try:
1. You don’t have to be able to maintain your focus on the breath (or whatever your focal point is) to get benefits.
I have ADHD. It is difficult for me to sit still. And it is very difficult to hold my focus on the breath. I have noticed more often than not I’m not able to make it to 10 breaths before my mind wanders off. The great thing is that it has not excluded me from receiving the benefits. Meditation teachers say that the real benefit comes when you notice your mind has wandered and you return your focus back to the breath.
2. You don’t have to meditate for any specific amount of time.
Before I started my consistent meditation practice, I had meditated on and off for a few years for various amounts of time. I would imagine for most people starting with 30 minutes would be overwhelming and easy to give up on. I would suggest instead starting with 3 to 5 minutes a few days a week.
3. You don’t have to meditate a certain way.
When you think of meditation, you might think of someone sitting cross-legged in an uncomfortable position. I have found the only way I can continue a consistent meditation practice is to give myself permission to sit up in bed and meditate either before I get out of bed in the morning or last thing before I go to sleep at night. It’s not necessary to sit perfectly still. Being comfortable when meditating is going to make it more accessible and more likely something we want to do again.
Thought for the day
Meditation has powerful benefits. It has been one of my most effective tools as a parent. There are many reasons people feel like meditation might not be for them; however, most of these reasons are likely myths or misunderstandings about meditation. If you are meditation curious, I highly recommend trying a meditation app. My favorite is Happier, formally known as Ten Percent Happier.
Other Meditation Apps to check out: Insight Timer, Head Space, Calm and Breathe.
Quick Win
1. Download a meditation app. If you choose Happier, I highly suggest one of their courses. Choose the course that looks the most interesting to you. I love the course Meditation and the Brain because it explains exactly what benefits our brain gets from meditation.
2. Choose a time of day that works best for you.
3. Commit to trying meditation for one month.
I’d love to hear if you have a meditation practice. If you have a favorite meditation app or how you continue to have a meditation practice while having a family.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be
used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!