The living room floor is covered in wrapping paper, empty boxes, and partially opened new toys. I exhale a sigh of relief. All of the planning, organizing, time, and effort I’ve put into Christmas have paid off. My kids are happy, and we did it. We made Christmas happen. This pleasant feeling does not last an hour before one of my kiddos begins to have big feelings over a toy not working just right. Tears come, and things get tossed and shoved. They storm upstairs to their room, and I wearily follow. In their room, more big feelings come. They start to sob as they express their disappointment about what they did not get. Listening and being compassionate gets harder and harder.
Have you noticed how your kids have big emotions post Holidays? There are often months of planning and preparing that go into holiday celebrations. Kids make wish lists. The commercials and movies make the Holidays out to be the most magical time of the year. It makes sense that there is a big letdown of emotions after all that build up and anticipation.
Psychologists refer to this letdown of emotions as Post Event Blues or Post Party Blues. In her Psychology Today article Diane Barth L.C.S.W. explains, “We feel a natural sense of exhilaration in reaction to the flow of hormones and chemicals that our bodies produce in these moments. The “high” feeling colors our expectations. And then reality happens. The endorphins and other feel-good chemicals stop surging through our bodies, the high wears off, and we start to feel a physical letdown as well as a psychological one.”
Leading up to a special event, our children are getting big hits of endorphins and other feel-good chemicals. Once it passes, there is a letdown. The feel-good chemicals stop, and they are left with a lull. It is also reasonable that kids would be disappointed about what they did not get, no matter how grateful they are for what they did get.
It is helpful to understand if our kids have big emotions after an event; it is less about the presents they did or did not receive and more about the letdown. The presents, in this case, become the hook to release the emotions. This, however, does not mean that it is easy for us as parents to listen when we did our best to make the Holidays magical.
Let’s give you the tools you need to respond to your kiddo with compassion and understanding in moments like these.
1. Big Feelings are Reasonable. First, remind yourself that it is reasonable for a child to have big emotions after the hype of an event has passed. You can now anticipate some level of letdown from your kiddo(s) post-holiday event. Depending on your kiddo, their age, and the circumstances, it might be within 5 minutes after opening the last present, or it might come later that day or week. If your kiddo begins to have big emotions seemingly out of nowhere, it might not be about the literal thing they are upset about; it may be the post-event letdown.
If you look for it, you may begin to see a pattern with your kiddo(s) where they have a letdown or release of emotions after trips, birthdays, or other special events. It does not mean that they are ungrateful or spoiled. It just means kids have a hard time regulating their emotions related to big events and a letdown or release of anticipation after an exciting event. There is also usually a change in our kiddo(s) schedule during the holidays, sometimes less sleep and eating at different times. All of which can make it harder for kids to regulate their emotions.
2. Being Responsive. How would you like to respond to your kiddo? Knowing they are experiencing feelings they cannot control, likely do not understand, and cannot communicate, how would you like to show up for your kiddo in that moment? My goal is always just to listen. I might have to set a loving limit, but if it is only verbal upse,t I can listen patiently, knowing their letdown of emotions will pass.
3. What do YOU need? What do you need in order to be able to listen patiently with understanding? Listening sounds well and good, but in reality, it is SUPER hard. Even though I aspire to be able to listen with understanding, sometimes the best I can do is not get upset and yell at them to stop.
In order to figure out what we as parents need in tough moments, we can look inside to discover what feelings our child’s upsets might be triggering for us. Consider if any of the following might be triggers for you related to your kid’s big feelings.
Possible triggers and questions to consider:
- Are you worried your child is spoiled and ungrateful? And worse yet, will grow into an entitled adult?
- Are you experiencing resentment over having spent so much money and having anything but joy and gratitude in return?
- Are you experiencing resentment over feeling burnt out in general and barely being able to pull off buying gifts logistically &/or financially?
- What were holidays like for you as a child growing up? Were there any difficult moments? How were they handled by your parents?
- Would you have been allowed to express disappointment about not getting the toy you had your eye on growing up?
- How were you expecting or hoping the holiday’s would go? (I have always had idealistic expectations, which can easily be shattered because real life often does not live up to my hopeful outlook.)
- Are you experiencing a letdown as well after the anticipation, planning, and organizing that you have done to get to this not-so-magical moment? (I often notice, “Oh yeah, I’m feeling that letdown too,” after my kids display it so openly.
What do you need to make it through a moment when your kiddo is upset and has big feelings during or after a holiday celebration? Once you are aware of your fears and triggers, it might be a little easier to consider what you need in that moment.
For each of the above questions, journal what it might bring up for you and something you could remind yourself in the moment. For example, if you have the fear that your child is spoiled, it will be helpful to remember that expressing their feelings while they are unpleasant is healthy and normal. It usually has little to do with the things they are upset about. You might bring to your mind’s eye to memories of them being grateful and appreciative. Essentially, remind yourself of who they truly are versus how their behaviors are showing up in this moment.
Consider a mantra to use in the moment.
My strength is bigger than my kiddo’s big emotions. I am strong enough to listen and be their safe place.
4. It is ok to step away. Finally, it is ok to step away. You may read all of this, be prepared, have excellent intentions and in the moment your child throws a toy, you are so filled with rage that listening is out of reach. Know you are NORMAL. It is normal and reasonable to be triggered, hurt, and upset in the midst of your kiddo’s big emotions. It is 100% ok to step away. There are hundreds of times that listening has been inaccessible and stepping away was my best option. Step away and listen to the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup (for parents in moments just like this) and return to your kiddo when you are ready.
Thought for the Day
You now have some helpful things to consider and be aware of before your big holiday events, so if things do go sideways, it won’t feel so rattling. Remember, big emotions post events are normal for kids and adults. Kids have a tough time regulating emotions so they often come out in messy ways.
Quick Win
1. Big post-event feelings in our kiddo(s) are normal and reasonable.
2. How do you want to show up for your kiddo during post-event blues?
3. What do you need to show up the way you desire in those tough moments?
4. It is ok to step away.
If you want to read more about planning for the holidays with your kiddos check out Dr. Laura Markham’s article: Holiday Survival Guide.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
I have a free gift for you, the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links or at Compassionate Heart Mindful Life.com. I created the Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and losing my patients in parenting.
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A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.