Longer audio format available via podcast here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2358099
I sat staring into space in the parking lot of a Whole Foods and World Market. I was there because I had a free hour, probably a last-minute cancellation, and I was trying something new. Normally, I’d rush home to relieve the babysitter anytime I wasn’t with a client. Today, I was going to do something for myself instead of rushing home, but it was foreign and didn’t feel comforting just yet. I sat staring off because I knew going into either store was not truly going to make me feel better. It wasn’t going to take away the empty feeling.
The Struggle of Self-Care as a Parent
I lived with the chronic anxiety that now felt normal or the overwhelming depression that had left me crying daily. Still, I had to make changes, and my parenting coach kept asking me what I needed and telling me I needed to do things for myself. The trouble was I had no idea what I needed or what I could do for myself that might begin to make me feel whole again, so I just sat there in the parking lot unsure what to do.
As parents, we find it common to put ourselves last. Sometimes, we do this out of necessity, such as a crying baby that needs to be fed several times at night. As parents, we have to put our needs aside because our baby relies on us 100% to get their needs met. If we are lucky, we have a partner there or family or friend who shares the responsibility. We may have family and friends close by who can come and help us and give us a break. However, unfortunately, more often than not we are isolated from friends and family for various reasons, and if we have a partner, they are working crazy hours and cannot always share the load with us
Healing from Burnout
All of this leaves what should be a multi-person job of caring for a baby on one person’s shoulders. This necessary shift to focus on others, our baby, and away from our own needs can stick around for a while.
Dr. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski refer to this as human giver syndrome in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. It is as if we get stuck in our giving mode as parents. It’s not uncommon for our kids to eventually need us less, but we’ve been in giving mode for so long. We lose our identity and do not know what we want or need. It’s critical for our sanity to avoid or begin to heal from burnout so that we get back in touch with our own needs and wants.
The Path Back to Ourselves
I like to think of a few general categories when it comes to being resourced: body, mind, and connection.
Body
Our body is anything that involves moving our body: walking, running, yoga, etc. In the book Burnout, Emily and Amelia explain that moving our body is the most efficient way to complete the stress response cycle. She also provides a hack, which you can do in bed.
Exercise: Breathe into the count of 5, tightening all the muscles in your body. Scrunch up your face, clench your fists, curl your toes, and tighten all the muscles in between. Hold for 5 seconds, then release all of your muscles, exhaling with a big sigh.
Mind
Exercise: Meditation
Sit and focus on your breath for 3 to 5 minutes.
This practice brings us back into our body and out of our racing thoughts. It also increases our mindfulness. We become more aware of our thought patterns and how they affect us. Over time, we’re able to step out of negative thought patterns and bring ourselves back into the present moment.
Exercise: R.A.I.N. Practice
Tara Brach teaches the rain practice as a tool to help us get back in touch with our needs and moments of struggle.
R – recognize (name your emotion)
A – allow (allow the emotion to be there versus judge it or push it away)
I – interconnected (I put a new spin on the I, previously investigate) (we are not alone in our experience)
N – Need (what do I need when I am feeling this way)
The possibilities are endless. Maybe I need to remind myself of something such as, “I am not alone. I’m normal. I’m a good parent. Having a bad day. My kids are good kids having a bad day.”
I like to imagine myself as an older, wiser version of myself. She has long gray-white hair. She’s super cool and chill because she’s been through it and knows it will be OK. I sit beside her. She offers comfort and support just with her presence. She doesn’t try to fix it. Talk me out of my feelings or judge me. In fact, the feeling I get from her is that she knows I’ve got this. She believes in me and knows I already know what to do. And this moment she knows I just need comfort through the frustration and pain. I imagine myself there with her, unloading everything that’s happening and her listening calmly. This visualization has become an active self-compassion and a source of comfort.
Connection
It’s easy to isolate as parents, especially if you are like me and have experienced depression. But you were not meant to do this alone, and we all need friends and or family in our lives. Consider for yourself how much connection you would like to have in your life. Would you like to see people daily, weekly, every couple, or a few weeks? Who would you like to connect with? What would you like it to look like? Do you like one-on-one or small group meet-ups?
I am an extrovert, so I crave and need a lot of connections to stay balanced. My favorite is one one-on-one time with close friends because then we can get into deeper conversations that really matter. What do you want, need, or crave when it comes to connection?
Thought for the Day
It is normal as parents to lose touch with our own wants and needs. It’s not uncommon as our kids begin to get a little bit older and less reliant on us to begin to look around and wonder who we are. We are not the person we were before we had kids, but we’re not sure who we are now. We don’t just lose our identity. We lose touch with our wants and needs. It is possible to begin to find ourselves again, to get back in touch with what brings us joy, what lights us up, and makes us feel whole. This begins with a simple but at first frustrating question: what do you need? Please know you are not alone if this question frustrates you and you have no idea how to answer it. Also, know if you keep asking yourself over time, you will slowly find the answer or answer answers to this question.
Quick Win
Create your own resourcing menu. At the top, write body, mind, and connection. Add your own columns as well. Then, under each, begin brainstorming anything and everything that comes to mind for each category, even if you think you would never do it. Write things that you have done in the past. Write things that you would like to do, but have never done. Write things that you currently do. When you’re done, circle one thing from each category that you can try over the next week. Send me an email and share any additional categories you added and some of your favorite things from each category.