When Being Playful Feels Like Another Parenting Chore
I stood at my usual post in the house, the sink, doing dishes. I probably spend more time standing at that sink than anywhere else in the house with the exception of my bed, hopefully. My kids were playing in the living room. They had made up some imaginary game and were fully enthralled, smiling and laughing. I enjoyed watching them while I got the dishes done. Then one of them looked over and said, “Mom come play. You can be the dragon.”
In that moment I wish I could tell you I felt happy my kids had included me. I put down what I was doing knowing I could come back to the dishes anytime and had fun playing with them for a little while. Unfortunately, that is not how it went. I didn’t really want to play. I preferred to do the dishes. Now I felt guilty that I wanted to do the dishes instead of playing with my kids. This, of course, is a totally normal feeling and experience. We as parents are not always going to want to play with our kids and there are many good reasons.
Shifting from Parenting Guilt
Feeling guilty has rarely helped me change my behaviors or have future situations go better. Perhaps sometimes we don’t need to play more, we need to feel less guilt. Not playing enough with my kids was one of my greatest sources of parent guilt. I had read about all of the benefits of play and I wanted to be a playful parent. I wanted to respond with play when appropriate and to feel playful. It felt like those aspirations were way out of my reach. I felt guilty and like a failure that I could not figure it all out and be the playful parent I longed to be.
Reading about self-compassion helped me see that piling on self-criticism was in no way helping me. Instead I felt worse and WAY less playful. In fact, I spent years resenting the idea of play because I could never get there. It was a great source of pain and likely caused me to play much less. When something like play is really important to us and we cannot figure out how to incorporate it into our lives there is probably a good reason why.
Understanding Resistance to Play
When we notice a pattern in our parenting it is helpful to get curious. “Hmmm, I am not interested in playing. I wonder why. There must be a good reason.” If you too sometimes feel guilty about not being playful enough, list all the possible reasons that you might not want to play and why it is reasonable.
“I have to do the dishes.” – We do have A LOT of chores as parents. Chores that we don’t want to do but we have to do. It is reasonable to want to get the dishes done. Because you have to do them, not necessarily because you prefer to do dishes over playing with your kiddo(s). Imagine you are on vacation and eating out so there are no dishes. You might feel more light hearted and open to an invitation to play when there are no piles of laundry and dishes in the next room. The low-level stress of chores can be just enough for us to feel less playful. Can you give yourself permission to say no without guilt? Knowing you’ll have more capacity to play when you are not bogged down with guilt and/or resentment?
Strategies for Engaging in Play (Even When You Don’t Want To)
“I hate playing (LEGO).” Or fill in the blank with whatever your kiddo always wants to play. It is TOTALLY reasonable to not love or even like everything your kiddo likes. You are a different person with different interests and of course an adult not a child. Can you give yourself permission not to love or even like everything your kiddo wants to do with you?
If you do want to play. – If your child wants to play something you hate, is there something about it you can lean into and find pleasure in? Perhaps it’s a mental break. You could focus on what your child enjoys about the activity. Often, we experience pleasure when we see our child experiencing pleasure. You might also limit the time you spend doing the activity that drives you crazy to 5 to 10 minutes. Or whatever feels bearable to you. Play it outside or someplace that is comfortable for you. Last idea. Pair play or follow it up with something you enjoy: hot tea, sparkling water, fresh cut strawberries, listening to your favorite music, a walk outside. What sounds nice?
Parenting Play: Let’s Get Curious
“Playing is boring.” We all hate to feel bored. That’s why most of us are on our phones while we are standing in line. Just like any other emotion, feeling bored is normal. It usually falls into the category of emotions we do not like to feel so we try to avoid it.
To help people cope with boredom in meditation, meditation teachers suggest focusing on what is pleasant and/or tuning in to specific aspects such as noticing small details. With our kids and play this might look like focusing on our kiddo’s enjoyment. Noticing their smile, laughter, interest, curiosity, and determination. Can you notice, with wonder, how fascinated your kiddo is with LEGO or Barbie? Can you get curious about what your child does and why? Notice their eyes as they play, their body language, and their expressions.
Getting curious and interested in your kiddo will help you shift your thoughts away from how boring the activity is for you. Can you give yourself permission to feel bored? “Yep, there’s the dread of boredom again. It’s reasonable to feel bored. I’m an adult and human. What could I shift my focus to while I play?” When all else fails skip play or keep it short. Give yourself permission to not feel you have to play.
Thought for The Day: Write Yourself a Permission Slip for Play
Parenting is already hard enough as it is without heaps of guilt. It is no wonder if something like play becomes a source of guilt we may feel less playful or worse yet come to resent it. Whatever reasons that come up around play that keep us from feeling playful or wanting to play are reasonable and legitimate. Can you give yourself permission to acknowledge how you feel with curiosity and remind yourself it is reasonable to feel that way? Go ahead, write yourself a permission slip as Brené Brown suggests:
I give myself permission to skip play today.
I give myself permission to play without any specific expectations, shoulds, or have tos.
I give myself permission to play for ____ minutes.
I give myself permission to ….
Parenting Quick Win
When you are experiencing guilt around play, name it to tame it, as Dr. Daniel Siegel says. “Hi guilt.” You might imagine giving the part of you that feels guilty a cup of tea. “It is normal and reasonable to feel guilt and not want to play. Lots of other parents feel this way. Many other parents are likely feeling this right now along with me.” This is self-compassion.
If you are overwhelmed with guilt in your parenting and play is just one area where you feel you are lacking, I suggest you do something radical and take a break from play. Be with your kids in whatever ways you enjoy and find fun. Leave the task, have to, and should play any certain way behind. I had to let go of my own rigid ideas and expectations related to playing with my kids and over time the guilt lightened up and finding my playful side became more accessible (on most days).
This blog is dedicated to my play mentors the late Chiara Rossetti (who sadly died in 2024) and Helena Mooney. I joined their Play Collective group about 2 – 3 years ago. They have shared countless ideas of how to incorporate play into my parenting. They have helped me find ways to make play more accessible when for the longest time it felt out of reach. I love their creative ideas. Thank you Helena and Chiara!
I have a free gift for you, the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup.
I created the Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and losing my patience in parenting.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity. I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.