How Self-Criticism Fuels Parent Burnout
One major source of parent burnout is self-criticism, especially when that leads to shame. Self-criticism is an additional source of stress heaped on top of the countless other stressors that come with parenting. Many difficult parts of parenting we have no control over, shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is something we DO have control over and it can have a huge impact in warding off parent burnout or recovering from parent burnout.
About a year after I had my third child I found myself slipping into severe parent burnout. I had three children under the age of 3, boy/girl twins and my youngest daughter. We had little family support because our families lived out of town. My partner worked long hours. I had my own stressful career as a therapist while also building my therapy practice. I began to slip into a depression that held a tight grip on me for several years. When I was not deeply depressed I felt a constant anxiety in my chest that permeated my day to day life.
Unfortunately, anxiety and depression were not new for me. I had experienced both off and on since elementary school. However, I never expected to feel so overwhelmed and depressed as a parent that I would come to resent it. If anything, I could not wait to be a parent. I thought having kids would bring relief from my depression and anxiety.
My Path to Self-Compassion
Luckily, I was a therapist and I had read and trained in trauma, the nervous system, depression, anxiety, and attachment. I read self-help books for entertainment. This is when I read one of my favorite author’s books Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by sisters Emily Nagoski PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA. I realized in addition to depression and anxiety I was experiencing severe parent burnout. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski define burnout as, “the experience of being overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you have to do and yet somehow still worried that you’re not doing enough.” Yep! This was me.
I will share with you one of the most powerful tools I used to recover from and now ward off parent burnout: self-compassion. Self-compassion researcher and author, Kristin Neff, provides a three part response for difficult moments in her self-compassion break:
- Mindfulness – naming your emotion
- Common humanity – reminding yourself you are not alone
- Self-compassion – being kind to ourselves in challenging moments
3 Examples of Shifting from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
Consider your day to day experiences and how you feel about yourself during these experiences.
1. In the morning you’re getting yourself and your kids ready for the day. They are fighting, complaining about breakfast, and you snap at them. You are tired and stressed and now your kids are fighting and being difficult. Then you think to yourself, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I have a morning that is peaceful and easy going with my kids? Why can’t I be more like …” (fill in the blank with the Mom who you believe is perfect, has perfect mornings and never yells at her kids).
Mindset Shift to Self-compassion
“Ugg this is a tough morning. I’m stressed and tired. (naming your emotions)
It is extra hard when the kids fight and complain. No wonder I’m getting short with them. (offering compassion for your real experience)
There are probably lots of parents going through this exact same thing with their kids right now”. (reminding yourself you are not alone and you are normal)
2. You are sitting down to do homework with your kiddo and it is not going well. You get frustrated and snap at them. You feel angry, frustrated and now ashamed. You think to yourself, “Why can’t homework be easier? Why can’t I be more patient? My reaction is making everything worse.”
Mindset shift to Self-compassion
“It is frustrating sitting down to do homework with my kiddo because they hate doing homework.” (naming your emotions)
“It makes sense. Who likes doing homework? I’m probably a little triggered too because homework was hard for me as a kid and always led to a huge fight with my Mom.” (offering compassion for your real experience)
“There are probably thousands of parents going through this exact experience right now with me.” (reminding yourself you are not alone and you are normal)
3. It’s dinner time and your picky kiddo pushes their food away and says, “Disgusting!” You about lose your damn mind! You just spent an hour making dinner which you hate because cooking is NOT your idea of a good time, you’ll spend the next hour cleaning up and now your kiddo is pushing their food away and saying DISGUSTING!!! Cartoon fumes are coming out of your ears and your face turns beat red. You lose it on your kiddo yelling something about them being ungrateful and you did not want to make dinner anyhow??? Sometime after you lose it you are filled with shame. “Why can’t I handle these situations better? Why do I yell? What’s wrong with me? I HATE dinner time!”
Mindset Shift to Self-compassion
“I am SO ANGRY and deeply ashamed” (naming your emotions)
“Dinner time is rough. My kiddo is picky and all their struggles of the day seem to come out at dinner. It is really hard to spend so much time and energy doing something I DO NOT like and then getting push back.” (offering compassion for your real experience)
“There are probably thousands of parents who are hating life and dinner with me right now. It is normal and reasonable to be angry and struggling in moments like these.” (reminding yourself you are not alone and you are normal)
I have a free gift for you, the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup.
I created the Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and losing my patience in parenting.
Parenting Thought for the Day
There are so many parts of parenting that are completely out of our control. We cannot control our children’s behavior or how they react to things. We cannot control much of our situation as parents, such as how much help we have, how close our kids are in age, extra challenges our kids may have, whether or not we work or how much we work. One of the few things we can control is our relationship with ourselves.
It is not easy and it does take time but we can empower ourselves with the knowledge that it is possible to notice self-criticism, pause, and offer ourselves self-compassion in difficult parenting moments. Bonus, positively changing our relationships with ourselves gives us more flexibility and groundedness to respond to the things we cannot control.
Parenting Quick Win
When you find yourself in a challenging moment try this out:
- Notice your inner dialogue of self-criticism and pause.
- Mindfulness – Name the emotions you are feeling.
- Common humanity – Remind yourself you are not alone and you are quite normal.
- Compassion – Remind yourself it’s reasonable to struggle in difficult moments.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity. I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.