How Overload Can Lead to Parent Burnout
Burnout does not happen overnight. It is usually a slow progression of increased stress, worry, overwhelm and having too much to manage that eventually leads to burnout. As parents we are often excited about our first pregnancy or the potential of our first pregnancy. For many, parenthood can quickly come with lots of overwhelming events such as getting pregnant, the pregnancy, the birth and having a newborn. We might then experience postpartum depression or anxiety or a baby with colic. If we manage to side step all of these we might even make it until our second child before a fatigue like no other begins to set in. This fatigue builds slowly.
The above stressors are just a few possible factors that can contribute to fatigue. This fatigue is unique in that when we lay our head down at night, exhausted with having given every ounce of our energy to our child(ren) (work, spouse, and everything else in our lives) we also worry we are not doing enough. This is how sisters, Emily Nagoski Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski DMA define burnout in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Response Cycle.
Can I just repeat that for emphasis? We lay our heads down at night exhausted with having given every ounce of our energy to our child(ren) work, spouse, and everything else in our lives) and still worry we are not doing enough. Please reread this and let it soak in. We are emotionally and physically exhausted giving our all to everyone in our lives and we worry it is not enough. This painful and common experience leads to burnout because it is not sustainable.
Two Facts About Parenting Burnout
Neither part of the equation is sustainable, giving every ounce of ourselves in every area of our lives to the point of emotional and physical exhaustion. And never believing, knowing or feeling confident that we are doing enough or that we are enough as parents (and in every area of our lives). Having too much to carry while simultaneously not believing that we are enough creates a vicious cycle. We try harder, do more, give more, deepening our exhaustion and burnout.
What if there was another way? There has to be another way! A more sustainable way to live and parent. It starts with two facts.
1. You are enough and
2. You have more to carry than is manageable.
I know, I know it is not that easy. You are right. It is not that easy. We cannot just tell ourselves we are enough (not really believing it) and everything will magically get better. We need to gradually untangle our thoughts, beliefs and actions that keep us in this vicious cycle. Let’s start untangling. I am going to work backwards.
Fact 2 – You Have More to Carry Than is Manageable
The greatest gift I was ever given was hearing from my parenting coach, over and over that what I was doing (raising 3 kids under the age of 5, while working full time as a therapist, with a partner who worked long hours, and no family close by) was very HARD.
I want to give you this same gift. Let’s get curious. What do you tell yourself about how you show up in your life as a parent? Are you proud? Are you critical?
Consider the context of your parenting. Write out all of the factors of your life. Don’t forget the ones that came before your child(ren). Consider these different factors in your story:
- Traumatic life experiences
- Getting pregnant
- Pregnancy
- Caring for newborn
- Family close by or far away (sometime close by can be a stressor too)
- Partner
- Relationships (strained, people we love sick or struggling)
- Career
- Time off with newborn (or lack there of)
- Child(ren) (any special needs, unique challenges)
- Other (Now that you are thinking, keep adding to your personal context)
Recognizing Overload in Parenting Burnout
Now look over your context and ask yourself, is it a lot? Do you think it is possible you have more to carry than is manageable? Most of the factors in our lives we have little to no control over. As women we are given the script, you should be able to do it all with ease and a smile. We often do not get the message, sometimes parenting (and Life) are REALLY damn hard and we do not always have all the resources we need (like a village of support). When we have more to carry than is manageable it is REASONABLE to be struggling, sometimes to the point of burnout. It is not evidence that we are not enough or we need to do more or better. Our struggling is evidence that we have more to carry than is manageable.
Consider if someone close to you dies suddenly. You would know it is reasonable to be stricken with grief, struggle to get through the day sometimes, and feel overwhelmed with regular life. You might be able to give yourself a little space and grace. On a smaller scale if you are sick with the flu you might be able to let yourself rest and know you will not be able to get as much done.
I invite you to consider the context you are parenting in might also be a lot, perhaps too much to manage at times. Would it be possible to give yourself a little space and grace on the most difficult days? Reminding yourself it is a lot. Then doing a frozen meal and watching a show with your kids instead of trying to maintain a standard that is unmanageable on any given day.
Back to Fact 1 – You Are Enough
What you do is enough. The above was meant to start to dismantle the belief or worry, “I am not enough.” Let’s see if we can keep untangling this belief with self-compassion. Self-compassion is not lying to ourselves and telling ourselves things we do not believe. In fact, Dr. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion researcher, explains that doing so will only make us feel worse. Instead we are going to focus on giving ourselves compassion for our struggle.
Choose one of the above contexts of your parenting and write a compassionate statement next to it. Consider what you might say to a friend who is going through this. For example:
Context: “Have no family support close by.”
Although you have the family you have always longed for you may still be struggling with overwhelm, sadness, or constantly being on edge because it is difficult to manage so much without support.
Compassionate statement “The 24/7 of parenting is overwhelming and stressful. It is reasonable for you to experience edginess and overwhelm when there are no breaks in sight. Of course, that makes day to day life challenges harder.”
I have a free gift for you, the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup.
I created the Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and losing my patience in parenting.
Thought for the Day: What We Control
We cannot always control our circumstances. However, we do have control over our inner world. We can begin to detangle the belief that if you are struggling you are failing and need to do more or better. Over time we can shift out of self-blame and begin practicing self-compassion.
Quick Win
Catch your self-blame in the act.
- Notice yourself feeling overwhelmed and thoughts of judgement creep in.
- Pause. Label the thoughts, judgment.
- Then offer a compassionate response. “Of course, I am overwhelmed. There is a lot happening today.”
You are enough. You do not need to do more or better. You already are enough.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity. I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.