For years, I did not admit that I was a perfectionist. I saw people I loved strangled by perfectionism, and I wanted no part of it. From a young age I decided mediocrity was good enough. I was not going to kill myself trying to make straight As when this effort nearly killed someone I loved. Also having ADHD and Dyslexia I was a pro at getting by and straight A’s probably wasn’t quite within my reach anyhow, so my decision to be an average student was a perfect fit. I did not need to go to the best schools or out score everyone on college entrance exams.
I was successfully able to let go of crazy high expectations and not get caught in the trap of perfectionism in some areas of my life. However, what I did not know is that perfectionism is sneaky. It began showing up in my life in more subtle ways.
At the root, perfectionism is about trying to be acceptable to those around us, to avoid rejection and stay in people’s good graces. Somewhere inside parts of me did not feel acceptable, worthy or enough. As a young adult these feelings came up in my relationships with friends and significant others in various ways but it really grew into a massive weed that began to take over my garden when I became a parent. It was as if every insecurity, every feeling of not being acceptable and not being enough came straight to the surface and slowly crowded out feelings of confidence, being enough, or being acceptable.
It was when I started to climb out of depression and anxiety I learned just how wily perfectionism can be. After I read the book Burn Out The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle By Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, (Amazing book, a must read. Seriously go get the audio version right now.) I was highly motivated to move my body to complete the stress response cycle.
Motivated and armed with knowledge, when I felt down I’d think to myself, “Oh I have not been running enough.” or “I only ran for 20 minutes, maybe I needed 40.” Other times when I felt anxious, because yoga had been so powerful in helping me shift out of chronic anxiety I’d think, “I really need to be doing more yoga. A couple of times a week isn’t enough.” Then I’d be thinking about creating a new routine or figuring out how I could wake up earlier so I could do yoga every morning, followed by a nice run. But then I would remember what I had read about how important sleep is so maybe I should not wake up an hour early for all of this amazing yoga and running. I’d been meditating regularly for about a half hour most days so my next thought would be, “I should up my meditation to 45 min or an hour. Hmmm, maybe a half hour at night and half hour in the morning.” It was in these moments that I’d notice my perfectionism creeping in, pushing me to constantly seek an ideal routine.
Then I’d begin to slip into overwhelm. “How will I get this all done? It is all important.”
Inundated with trying to fit it all in, trying to figure out how to do so and part of me was feeling like anything less than perfection was not enough. My fear was I’d be doomed to depression and anxiety for life if I couldn’t figure it out. And of course the unhelpful comparing thought, everyone else can figure it out, why can’t I?
I am exhausted and overwhelmed just typing this out.
I was becoming a perfectionist at being “healthy.” WTF?!?! I even figured out how to torture myself with the healthiest habits.
In this new spiral my perfectionism was so crafty, so subtle, and so cunning it was difficult to detect at first. Running, yoga, and meditation are good for me and things I enjoy but the stress I was stirring up with all of these shoulds and have-tos was not helpful and was possibly robbing these activities of some of their benefits.
Once I began to notice this pattern, I labeled it rigid mind. I kept an eye out for when my thinking started to get inflexible. When I was feeling overwhelmed, stressed or down these thoughts were more likely to occur. When I had the thoughts, “I should do more yoga. I should’ve run longer. I should’ve meditated in the morning and at night.” I’d catch the shoulds and label it rigid thinking. Then I would try to get curious about why my mind was getting so rigid and inflexible. Of course I did not like feeling down or anxious and I wanted to get rid of these feelings. I didn’t want to have bad days or bad moods. Unfortunately bad days and difficult emotions are normal. I’ll still have low days, feelings of sadness and disappointment regardless of how much yoga, running, meditation, sleep or any other healthy habit I have. Uncomfortable moods, thoughts, and feelings are like the weather, they will come and go. They will not last forever. And it is not my fault I’m in a bad mood one day. It does not mean that I am doing anything wrong or need to change anything.
In our culture, we seem to forget that painful, difficult, and uncomfortable feelings are normal. We are taught that we never have to feel down. We can be positive and grateful. We can buy something to make us feel better. We can self-medicate in nearly unlimited ways or just pick up our phone to avoid feelings altogether. With all of the distractions in our everyday life it is easy to forget difficult and uncomfortable feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with us having them or feeling them.
In an effort to shift away from questioning what is wrong with me or feeling I need to do more when difficult emotions arise I like to think of these days like I have a cold. How I might be gentle with myself and take it easy if I had a cold? Maybe I’d make a cup of tea, rest more, make an easy dinner, or watch my favorite show. When we are feeling down, anxious, uneasy we can give ourselves permission to turn toward ourselves with compassion.
Quick Win: The next time you are experiencing a difficult emotion such as anxiety, low mood, sadness, etc. get curious about what you tell yourself in these moments. Do you also judge yourself, blame yourself or begin thinking of what life changes you need to make in order to not feel this way? Do you zone out on your phone to escape this whole pattern?
What would you like to have happen instead? How might you respond to a friend who called you feeling this way?
If all else fails, feel free to borrow my idea of pretending you have a cold and do one thing to take a load off.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
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I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
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