As I was starting to recover from parenting burnout and getting more mindful about my emotions, I often wondered, “Why am I so sensitive? Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so easily triggered? Why do I need so much resourcing? Is everyone like this?” I was getting caught in the unhelpful trap of comparative suffering.
One evening my partner was telling me about a podcast he had heard about highly sensitive people. I asked if he thought it was possible I might be a highly sensitive person. He laughed out loud because he felt I was so obviously a highly sensitive person that it was a ridiculous question.
I wanted to know more about what being a Highly Sensitive Person meant so I went on a quest to discover if I was actually a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I took the questionnaire on Elaine Aron Ph. D.’s website, the pioneer in HSP research, and discovered yes I was in fact, an HSP. I also learned my son rated higher than I did on the on the scale. Now I was really curious to learn more.
I read books, listened to podcasts, and watched the documentary about Alanis Morissette being an HSP. I went searching for information because it often sucks to be sooooo sensitive and I wanted to learn about what was wrong with me. What I found was way better. In everything I read and watched they talked about what was hard about being an HSP but they also described the upsides, strengths, and assets to being an HSP. And who doesn’t want to be more like Alanis Morissette?!?! I was also grateful to understand this unique side of my son. It explained so much about his behaviors that otherwise did not make sense to me.
There were also stories of HSPs that I could not relate to as much, for example I am extroverted and a thrill seeker while many HSPs are introverted and want to avoid craziness and chaos. On the other hand, I strongly connected with the HSP’s stories of feeling things deeply. Stories I hear, things I watch or listen to tend to have a profound impact on me. They stay with me. Perhaps this helps partly explain how my depression and anxiety can be easily triggered. The complex PTSD I experienced growing up was likely amplified for me as a highly sensitive person.
Everything I learned helped me to better understand my experiences and let go of the comparative suffering. Now when I catch myself judging my emotions, such as, “I shouldn’t be so upset. I should be able to get over this. Why do I need so much resourcing?” I now label it, comparing mind. Then I step back and try to accept my emotions and needs as they are. My new internal dialogue sounds something like, “I am angry. I’m triggered even after I went for a run. It’s normal to be angry and triggered when under stress. It’s normal to need more support when under stress.”
Like many other things in life being an HSP comes with some upsides and downsides. Today, it is a little easier to accept that perhaps I do get more overwhelmed, and quicker than others. Perhaps I do need more resourcing, to move my body more, to have more breaks and all the rest. That is ok because I am also highly sensitive to those I love, those I work with and I would not want to change that part of me. Now that I understand a little better what I need and why, I can be more patient and less judgemental of myself when I feel overwhelmed.
Thought for the Day
We can often be our own harshest critic. Our critiques usually go beyond our actions to how we feel, i.e. “I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be grateful. I should be able to get over it.” We’ve often been told these unhelpful comments throughout our lives and they stay with us. They come to mind when we are suffering.
The truth is we cannot change how we feel or talk ourselves out of how we feel. We feel how we feel. It is normal not to like how we feel and to want to feel differently. We do have choices over what we do when we feel certain things. Instead of judging, we can notice how we feel and catch the judgment of our emotions. This mindful act gives us the opportunity to respond to ourselves with compassion, like we would to a friend. We might say, “It’s normal and understandable to feel this way.”
Quick Win:
Notice and pause when you are judging your emotions. Say to yourself, “judging mind” or “comparing mind.”
Can you then offer yourself some grace and understanding instead? Such as, “It’s normal to feel stressed/overwhelmed/etc. Lots of people would feel stressed/overwhelmed/etc. in this situation.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.