Unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice repairing and apologizing to my kids over the years.
Before I got my yelling under control (i.e. nervous system regulated) I worried about the impact of yelling on my kids and on our relationship. I, at least, wanted to do what I could to repair and let them know it was not their fault after I yelled.
Of course, this was not (still is not ) always easy for lots of different reasons.
Sometimes I felt so angry I could not apologize without blowing up again.
Other times I felt so ashamed I withdrew emotionally.
I wanted to justify. “I’m sorry but if you had not …” This was not an apology.
Let’s talk about the ingredients of a good repair.
- You only do it when you are ready. Meaning you are calm. You are unlikely to get angry and hijacked by big emo all over again.
(If this means waiting until the next day, that is ok.)
- You do not expect or need an apology in response.
(It’s ok to want an apology but oftentimes our kiddo is not ready. Them apologizing in return is not the point. You are just there to clean up your side of the street.)
- You do not need to justify why you did what you did. “I would not have gotten angry if you hadn’t …”
When you cannot apologize:
Sometimes we cannot apologize because we feel so guilty or ashamed. This could be the case if we shut down and do not want to think about it. We want to forget it and move on. Or we feel so bad we get sad and withdraw emotionally.
If this is the case we can use a tool like Ho’oponopono. It is a Hawaiian poem that helps us acknowledge regret within ourselves 1st.
You can imagine your child happy, a nice moment with your child, or them sleeping peacefully. Then repeat the poem.
““I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you,”
Repeat this over and over until you feel calmer and less harsh and critical with yourself inside. This might help you be able to apologize to them at some point.
In this week’s podcast: Repairing After A Rupture with Your Kiddo I go into two other blocks to apologizing, the good reasons they may be there and how to move through them.
2nd block – stuck in blame – “They should not have talked to me that way.” “How dare they.” “Im not apologizing. They were way worse to me.
3rd block – apologizing feels weak – “If I apologize it feels weak. I’m the parent. I need to be in charge.”
Our kids are more likely to do what we do, not what we tell them to do. So we can tell them to apologize over and over but when we model apologizing we are modeling repair, owning our part and prioritizing our relationship with them over our pride etc.
Some parents worry it’s too late. I already ruined my relationship with my child. I would argue it is never too late. Even if your kid is 40 or 60. Imagine if your parents genuinely apologized for something and showed they deeply cared about you and the impact. Imagine how powerful that would be for you as an adult or it would have been for you as a kid.
When our kids are young we are their safe haven. They need to know they are loved and accepted by us. When we repair we are re-establishing or strengthening our bond. I’m here for you no matter what. I love you no matter what. You can count on me. You can feel safe with me. Those are some powerful messages to send.
We dive deep into repairing in the Yelling to Connecting group because ruptures happen in relationships. It’s normal but we as parents sometimes might struggle with repairing for lots of good reasons. It’s helpful to figure out what they are and support ourselves or get the support we need through them so we can repair with our kiddos.
A great apology: “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. You deserve to be treated respectfully even when we are not agreeing. It was not your fault. I was having a hard time.”
What would you add, change, etc.? How does this land? Does it sound easy? Impossibly hard? What comes up for you at the idea of repairing this way with your kiddo?
I’d love to hear any thoughts you have. Hit reply. I read all of your emails.
This January 22 – I’m hosting a free live webinar – Break the Yelling Cycle: 4 Steps to Calm – You will get a free parenting journal to keep you on track and keep your mindset positive.
Register here: https://compassionateheartmindfullife.innovorise.com/webinar
If you want to dive deeper into this work with me…
Jump on the waitlist for Yelling to Connecting. The welcome call will be the first week of February. You don’t have to do this parenting thing alone. We can support each other through it.
This week’s Play idea – Queen of the Castle – The Castle could be anything, a bed, a couch, etc. Your child is the Queen/King of the castle, you an ogre, alligator etc. You try to get them off (but you can’t because they are stronger and in control, you are weak and silly, falling down etc.)
Have fun!
The light in me sees the light in you,
~Michelle
Michelle Puster M.Ed.
Helping parents find inner calm and compassion