Finding Balance in Parenting Overwhelm: Work vs. Home

I rushed home from work so I could rush to pick up my kids from school. Looking forward to my children’s smiling faces at school pick-up, but instead, I was met with whining and complaining. ‘Ugh, this is not fun,’ I thought. ‘I’d rather be back at work. After all, didn’t they appreciate how I had rushed home to pick them up?’ Uh oh, resentment and martyrdom were knocking on my door. Parenting overwhelm was creeping in, and I could feel the frustration building.

I wanted to be a therapist in private practice for as long as I can remember so I could create my own schedule and spend time with my family. I wanted to work part-time and have the best of both worlds: a career I loved and a family I adored. Once I finally got to parenthood, having a family and working was not exactly what I expected. It was way harder, especially when my kids were young.  In the early years, parenting was so intense and overwhelming with three kids under the age of three. My deep, dark secret was sometimes I would rather be at work than at home.  I was heartbroken and ashamed to feel this way. I wanted to want to be at home with my kids.  It felt shameful to prefer work.

What was it about work that drew me in? At work, I feel motivated, competent, needed, and appreciated. At home, I felt overwhelmed with crying, tantrums, and sleepless nights. Parenting overwhelm was just too much! Even though work quickly became an escape from the stress and overwhelm I felt at home, it was not a cakewalk either. When my kids were very young, I would see 7 or 8 clients a day with no lunch break. I would give myself a 5-10 minute window at the start and end of each day, then I’d rush home to let the babysitter go. After my kids went to bed, I’d stay up late working on my website, writing blogs, or working on a project. I was burning the candle at both ends.

        When my third child came along, it got a lot harder and eventually impossible to keep up this pace and routine. The hardest part didn’t feel like work, though. The hardest part was managing my crying toddlers and baby. Parenting overwhelm made me feel like I would have chosen work all day long over crying babies. It was difficult to have the emotional bandwidth to be calm and present with my children. As a therapist, I had read a lot about how important it was to have an emotionally regulated parent, and I was falling short. In fact, I felt like I was failing. I began to beat myself up, which just added to my stress levels. 

I had one therapist supervisor who sat with me in my overwhelm. She could see through my façade of having it all together. She seemed to see into my soul and see the deep pain I was in. She did not blame or judge me. Being a therapist herself she gently asked if would it be possible for me to see fewer clients.  

         This is when I was first confronted with my drive to overwork. I did not want to see fewer clients or work less. I loved my work. I loved how work made me feel. I wanted to work more but there was just not enough left of me when I came home to my family. I felt compelled to keep my work load as full as I could manage. The idea of working less was very uncomfortable.

         I knew I had to make changes. Over time, I forced myself to stop working after I put the kids to bed. It took several years, but eventually, I saw fewer clients each day. I had to cut back slowly. Every time I cut back, it was uncomfortable. I was motivated by wanting to feel better and feel less overwhelmed by parenting and work demands. Cutting back on my work hours did eventually help my life feel more balanced, but the compulsion to work has not completely released its grip. Parenting overwhelm still loomed, reminding me of the delicate balance I had to maintain.

            Recently, I noticed I was getting short with my kids and had no patience with them. I felt resentful that being a parent was so demanding. Woah, I had been sucked back into the resentment vortex. This time was different though I was on the edge. I could see my way out and see that getting deeper into the current of work would make it harder and harder to find my way out. 

I am aware there is a part of me that feels an intense compulsion to work and gets angry and resentful of anything that gets in the way, sadly including my children. This time I noticed and was more aware of my compulsive behaviors and the potential negative impact.

Thought for the day

Our feelings and actions can be complicated and complex. It takes time and patience to get curious about what is happening with us when things are going sideways in our lives. Often it is our first instinct to judge or berate ourselves when we notice our life is out of balance and we need to make changes. However, judgment and self-condemnation will only further bury our hurts and unmet needs. Secondly, we might get defensive and resistant to even considering examining our lives and decisions because change might feel too overwhelming or impossible so it’s easier to just avoid looking inward altogether. Can we instead get curious about how we are feeling and our actions without an overlay of judgment?  Can we bring compassion and understanding instead?

Quick Win

Journaling Idea: Do you ever feel like you get out of balance when it comes to work or feel resentful of the demands of parenting? First write all the positive things that your work brings into life, what you love about it, what it gives you, and why you’re grateful for your work. Next, get curious about the part of you that struggles to put work down. When do you struggle to put work down and what makes it so difficult? 

Thank you so much for listening, 

Be well!