We have all been there, those moments when it is not quite clear who is struggling more, us as the parent or our kids.
I threw my bike down and stormed into the house. My kids stood a little shocked and shaken on a hot August Wednesday morning in the first few weeks of a new school year. I had lost my cool again. The familiar shame spiral started to ooze into my thoughts. ‘Why couldn’t I be the patient, loving Mom I wanted to be? Why did I have to lose it and yell? Why couldn’t I get my S*%$ together to get my kids to school?’ On and on my thoughts would go. I was falling fast into a familiar, well-worn pattern of parent burnout, and I needed to find my way out because, as the only adult around, I still had to get my kids to school.
Sadly, mornings like these were normal about four years ago. Living with parent burnout and depression, my brain was easily dysregulated by the stress and pressure of getting three kids under the age of 5 to school. I had to learn how to calm my dysregulated brain, step out of the shame spiral, and still get my kids to school. I was not sure if I needed to scream and shout, hit a pillow, stuff my feelings, or take deep breaths. Over time I came up with a strategy that supported me in my toughest parenting moments, when my brain was flooded.
First, I had to recognize that I was triggered. As Daniel Siegel says, I had “flipped my lid.” There was no good that could come from this moment until I could get my brain back to a regulated state. I could not think clearly or respond calmly.
Next, I would step away. Because my kids were small I could not go far. I usually went to the bathroom. I needed to remove myself from the stressful stimuli which in this case were my children, their behaviors, and my expectations. This may sound easy or obvious, but when you’re dealing with parent burnout and a triggered brain that says ACT NOW, IT’S an EMERGENCY, it is not easy at all. It helped that I did not want to be triggered and reactive around my kids. I wanted to respond calmly to them, and when that was not possible, I felt it was in everyone’s best interest to step away.
Now, what was I to do once I was alone in the bathroom? I did not feel better. My body was coursing with rage and adrenaline. My thoughts were negative and angry. As Donald Hebb said, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” If I hit a pillow, I feared that I would fuel my anger but I did need to move. In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they explain that I had entered a state of fight or flight from a perceived threat. I needed to move my body to complete the stress response cycle. I would push against a wall, do push-ups, jumping jacks or wring a towel. I pictured pushing against a stress monster versus ruminating in angry thoughts towards my children.
Once the adrenaline eased up I was not out of the woods. Shame quickly filled the space that anger once took up. Familiar thoughts would run through my mind, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I handle getting my kids to school without losing it like a monster?” When the shame spiral took hold, it not only hurt myself but also my kids. As Brené Brown explains in her book Daring Greatly, “shame is the fear of not being worthy of connection and belonging.” In the shame spiral, I felt it best to keep distance between myself and my kids because my behavior was harming them. However, the therapist and mom part of me knew having a distant, shut down Mom was just as harmful to them.
Self-compassion became my light in the dark. I needed to remind myself that I was not a monster, that I was a normal struggling parent. I would shift my inner thoughts from criticisms to self-compassion: “I am not alone. It’s normal to struggle as a parent. With or without burnout and depression, lots of parents struggle to remain calm and patient in stressful moments. There are probably other parents right at this moment struggling to get their kids to school too.”
I used the R.A.I.N. practice that I learned from Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance, as a rope to pull me out of the shame hole.
R- Recognize – “I am overwhelmed and struggling.”
A – Allow “Can I allow myself to be frustrated and overwhelmed versus judge myself or push the feelings away?”
I – Interconnected “I am not alone. It’s normal to struggle as a parent. With or without burnout and depression lots of parents struggle to remain calm and patient in stressful moments. There are probably other parents right at this moment struggling to get their kids to school too.”
N – Need “What do I need in order to go back to my kids with a little more calm and balance?” I usually needed to text my partner, parenting coach or listening partner about what was happening. Even if they could not respond right away I knew they believed in me as a parent and I could remember the last time they listened with nonjudgment and compassion.
Now, I could peel myself off the bathroom floor and return to my kids. I apologized for my mini outburst, and we went on with our day. It took time and practice, but after using this strategy again and again, even during the toughest moments of parent burnout, I have been able to regain my balance and calm quicker and quicker. I have been able to stay out of the shame spiral, and bonus, my kids are really good at apologizing because I modeled it for them so frequently.
Quick Win
When your brain gets triggered in overwhelming, stressful parenting moments follow the steps below:
Recognize – you are triggered and you need a moment
Step Away – you need some space and time to reset your brain state
Move Your Body – to complete the stress response cycle
Self-Compassion – you are not alone. You are a normal parent and you care deeply about your family which is why you were triggered in the first place.
Thank you so much for listening. Be well!
I have a free gift for you, the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.