For many years, my partner and I were caught in a painful cycle. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy refers to this as the negative cycle where each person’s actions and reactions keep you stuck in a painful loop of reactivity. One way that started our negative cycle is I would want to talk and my partner seemed to feel a conflict coming on so would be hesitant to engage. Being highly sensitive to my partner’s level of responsiveness, I’d feel his hesitancy and begin to push him to talk.
Then I’d feel a change in the air, like a cold front just came into the room. My partner might start off the conversation OK, albeit somewhat reserved. But at some point, I would not want to talk any longer. I would have huge reactions anytime I felt this distance between us. I’d protest by getting louder, pushing to talk, trying to explain how I was feeling and how he was letting me down by not talking with me. This would all lead him to shut down more, wanting to avoid a conflict and feeling that things would only escalate from there between us. Before becoming an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, I didn’t know what was happening with my partner or myself. I just knew I was flooded with emotions and blamed him for not being there for me.
Years later, in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we learned about our cycle. We started to understand better we were each only trying to cope with the distress we felt when conflict arose between us. Unfortunately, our methods of coping only pushed each other farther away. Reading the book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson, gave me relief and understanding that what was happening between us was normal and my reactions and I were NOT crazy.
Eventually, I also began using my mindful compassion practice to begin to notice when I felt distant from my partner or when I was angry and was caught in an internal dialogue of blame towards my partner.
Early in my mindfulness practices, when I would go to my partner and start to lay into him with blame and criticism, I’d begin to recognize that it wasn’t going to go well. And maybe, just maybe, it was not all HIS fault. I’d then ask myself what was happening with me? Why was I all of a sudden so angry and blamey? Did I feel distant or let down in some way? Had something triggered a raw spot for me? Why was my reaction a 10 when the situation felt more like a 3 or a 5? Were there softer emotions under the anger I could acknowledge? Could I come to him with my softer emotions versus blame and anger?
Thought for the Day
Our significant other can often easily trigger painful emotions inside of us because they are so important to us. If we’ve previously experienced being ignored, left behind, or not mattering growing up or in other relationships, our brain can easily go into panic or fear that it’s happening again in our current relationship with our significant other. Our partner’s reaction to our intense emotions often amplifies our feelings and, sadly, sometimes even seems to confirm our fears. “She or he’s shutting down. See, she or he doesn’t care. I cannot count on him or her. I don’t matter to him or her.”
What we cannot see is what is happening inside of our partner. That they too are likely triggered and desperately want to avoid a fight. They feel that talking only makes things worse and last time it led to sleeping in separate rooms or screams of the relationship ending. Usually there is more to the story on both sides that we cannot see on the surface.
Quick Win:
You can slow down this nasty fight in your own relationship by asking yourself, Are we caught in a negative cycle? Have I felt these painful feelings earlier in my life? Is it possible my partner is triggered and overwhelmed too verses that they don’t care?
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment, please find a qualified professional in your area.