Longer audio format available via podcast here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2358099
I run home from work to pick up the kids from school, check the agenda for the day, and contemplate what we’ll have for dinner. The kids, tired from their long day, are a bit whiny and agitated. I, tired from my day as well, think to myself, Ok this is the time I could be playing with my kids, but what about dinner, reaching that teacher’s email, and filling out the paperwork for that new activity? Not to mention the kitchen and living room are a disaster. I need to pick up a little before I can even make dinner.
Last week, we talked about the logistics of being overscheduled and trying to find time for play with our kids. There is another aspect to our busy lives that also gets in the way of play, and that’s the feeling of being busy, overwhelmed or stressed that goes along with being busy. It is not uncommon to have some time that we could play with our kids, but we often continue to feel busy, stressed, and overwhelmed inside, even on slower days with less activity. It’s difficult to want to play or be in a playful state of mind when we feel stressed and overwhelmed. We can teach ourselves to slow down inside and respond to our stress by moving through the stress response cycle. All of which will help us feel less stressed and overwhelmed in general making play with our kids more accessible.
Pause & Mindfully Slow Down
I saw myself in a story Dr. Kristen Neff tells in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. I recognized that, just like in the story, when I was stressed, I would actually speed up and try to do more, only creating more stress and increasing the feeling of stress inside. After I saw my pattern clearly, I was unsure how to begin to do things differently. I started by just sitting on the couch occasionally. Every afternoon, I would stand in the kitchen doing stuff, but I don’t know what exactly. I needed to practice just pausing and sitting down versus being inconstant doing mode. It felt strange and uncomfortable.
Pause from your to-do list, sit on the couch or at the table, and notice how you feel inside. Notice if you feel hurried, if your heart rate is up, and if you have tight muscles and a clenched jaw. Notice your thoughts. Are they racing? Are you running through your to-do list or planning the evening’s meal? You’re getting curious and noticing your inner state without judgment. Now, shift your focus to your kids. How are they? Look at their eyes, their body language. Do they seem relaxed and at ease? Do they seem upset or stressed about something? After this pause, you may have to get back to what is next, or you might have time to chat with your kiddo(s) or engage with them for a few minutes in whatever they are doing. Either way is fine. The goal is just to slow things down.
Return to the Present Moment
In her book How to Stop Losing Your S*** with Your Kids, Dr. Carla Naumburg gives the beautiful suggestion to pause and begin to label what you are doing as you are doing it when you feel busy and rushed. Think about how often you absentmindedly put your keys on a counter somewhere, having no recollection of where you put them. Or you spill coffee on yourself while trying to drink coffee and button your shirt at the same time because you are rushing.
We can actively slow down by first just noticing we are rushing and taking a moment to pause. Then, by labeling what we are doing as we are doing it we bring ourselves back into the present moment and into our body versus being caught in our racing thoughts. Our racing thoughts only continue to tell us to hurry and rush, but the more we hurry and rush, the more stressed we feel, and often, the more disruptive things happen, like losing our keys or spilling something on ourselves.
Check-In Before You Pick Up Your Kids
Before you pick up your kids or they get home from school, take a moment to check in with yourself. It will be even easier to pause and check in before you have the distraction of your kids and whatever they have going on any given day. For 3 to 5 minutes before you get your kids to pause and notice how you are doing today. Are you feeling stressed, worried, or upset, or are you doing okay at the moment? Notice your thoughts. Are they racing? Do they have a stressed or overwhelmed quality to them? Notice what is happening in your body? Check your shoulders. Are they up to your ears? Notice your back and shoulders? Do they feel tight and tense or relaxed? Notice your stomach. Is it in knots or calm? Again, you are just noticing and being curious without judgment.
If you do feel stressed before picking up your kids, take a moment to take a few slow, deep breaths. Slowing down our breathing calms our nervous system.
Exercise: Breathe into the count of 3 and out the count of 6. If you can, after a few breaths, breathe into the count of 4 or 5 and out 8 or 10.
When our nervous system calms, our thoughts often slow down a bit, too. Bonus: when you are actively focused on your breath, it takes your focus away from stressful racing thoughts.
Thought for the Day
It is always going to be hard to access our playful energy and state of mind when we feel stressed and overwhelmed. Instead of forcing ourselves to try to play through our overwhelm or criticizing ourselves for not playing with our kids enough or being playful enough, we can gently notice we are struggling, so of course, it is tough to play. All of the above are acts of mindfulness and self-compassion, which will support us in mindfully slowing down and over time, reducing our stress level again making our creative, playful side more accessible.
Quick Win
1. Pause and mindfully slow down – In the midst of your busy days, take a moment to intentionally pause. Sit down and notice your internal state. (It helps to set a reminder on your phone. Pause and check-in)
2. Return to the present moment – Anytime you notice yourself rushing, trying to do multiple things at a time, or rushing to get out the door, bring yourself into mindful awareness by labeling what you are doing as you do it.
3. Mindful check-in – In the car before pick up, or 5 min before your kids walk in the door, or a few minutes before their nap is supposed to be over, pause and breathe.
Breathe into the count of 3 and out the count of 6. If you can, after a few breaths, breathe into the count of 4 or 5 and out 8 or 10.
4. Playful Idea for when you feel stressed: Draw pictures or spell out words on your kid(s) back and have them guess what you are drawing or spelling. It can be relaxing and calming to slow down and meditatively draw on their back. It’s also a sweet way to connect. My kids love this, and sometimes they want to draw on my back so I can guess which is also relaxing.
This blog is dedicated to my play mentors the late Chiara Rossetti (who was taken from us too soon) and Helena Mooney. I joined their Play Collective group about 2 – 3 years ago. They have shared countless ideas of how to incorporate play into my parenting. They have helped me find ways to make play more accessible when for the longest time it felt out of reach. I love their creative ideas. Thank you Helena and Chiara!