As my children pitter-pattered around the house, my smile faded to a strained grimace. My internal mood shifted like storm clouds rolling in. A once bright day was now dark and ominous. What had happened? Where had my good mood gone? Negative thoughts took over: ‘This is not fun. My kids are so loud and overwhelming. It’s always going to be like this.’ The thoughts and feelings were strong and convincing; they felt like truths.
It is easy to fall or be sucked into a powerful spiral of negative thoughts. When I began to feel trapped in my life out of a moment of overwhelm or a long draining day, familiar thoughts would begin replaying in my mind. I felt like everything was hard with the kids and would never change. I felt like I couldn’t escape the drudgery of life. Every day was filled with the same exhausting routines. Getting the kids ready with lots of tears and fighting, followed by work, followed by tired, upset kids in the afternoon. Then, onto picky, ungrateful kids at dinner time. Ending the Groundhog Day with frustratingly long bedtime routines with lots of refusal to brush teeth and go to bed. I just wanted to scream.
I didn’t want to feel trapped in my own life; who does? Moments like these piled up and led to me hitting a painful bottom in parent burnout. I wanted out. I wanted help. I wanted and needed change in my life. First, I sought social support through a parenting coach who listened, and understood exactly how I felt without judging me. Second, mindfulness helped me notice the negative thoughts and begin to question them. Before mindfulness I was pulled into those low moods with increasing negative thoughts, but I didn’t notice or question the thoughts they just felt like the truth. I believed them and then I would feel worse and that was followed by more negative thoughts.
I was in a bad place so things were actually harder with the kids. They struggled in part because I was struggling. They were also just young and had a lot of big feelings unrelated to me. The more difficult behaviors they had, the more I told myself it was my fault. Then I would feel worse. Followed by more negative thoughts. It was a vicious and painful spiral.
I remember the first time meditation had provided enough spaciousness to notice my negative thoughts were out of the ordinary. I remembered I hadn’t felt this way yesterday, so maybe the thoughts were not entirely true. Maybe the thought that, “Things have always been hard and things will always be hard” wasn’t totally true. Then I had enough space to ask, “What has changed? Why might I be having more negative thoughts today?” “Oh, right, we are adjusting to life back after vacation or school is starting. The kids are nervous and excited so their behavior is dialed up.” Then, I could reassure myself that this was temporary. These negative thoughts were not truths. I could reassure myself with, “Things are not always bad; they’re just harder right now, and after a couple of weeks, we will get back to our normal place.” This took the fuel from the fire of the hopeless tone of my thoughts.
Thought for the Day
Meditation provides space for me to step back from my thoughts and emotions versus being yanked around by them. When we can see our thoughts for what they are, fleeting messages in the brain, they lose some of their power and control over us and our mood. We have the chance to pause, take a step back and evaluate and question our internal thoughts. We can also consider where the negative thoughts might have arisen from giving us more insight into why our thoughts spun out of control in the first place.
Quick Win
Use the acronym R.A.I.N. (introduced to me by Tara Brach, thank you Tara) to identify feelings of overwhelm and respond with compassion.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
I have a free gift for you, our 4 step Guided Pause & Regroup, a free audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created this Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.