Impermanence

Why do meditation teachers talk about impermanence?

Meditation teachers talk a lot about the idea of impermanence. Seasons change, life changes, good and bad things come and then go. Nothing remains constant, and emotions, too, are not enduring states. Recognizing this is helpful. Some of our greatest pain comes from the feeling that painful feelings are solid, fixed, and will never change.

During my most severe episodes of depression, when I was in full-blown burnout, every time something bad would happen I would start to have thoughts like, “This always happens.”

Let me paint the scene for you. The kids are yelling and running around. I begin to think, “This is awful and overwhelming.” Then I’d have a second arrow thought, “I shouldn’t be so overwhelmed, they’re just playing.” Then comes the increasingly negative spiraling thoughts, “They are always going to be crazy and high energy. I hate it! My kids are always going to overwhelm and annoy me.” Then comes more judgment of my emotions, “I’m too overwhelmed. I shouldn’t be so overwhelmed.” and so on and so on.

As an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist, I help people see they can get caught in negative cycles of disconnection. In these negative cycles, our internal stress response kicks in. Our thoughts start to focus on the worst-case scenario and try to protect against it. I started realizing this was occurring with me and my children. My kids said something or did something and because my window of tolerance was so low (due to burnout and depression) my thoughts almost immediately went to the worst-case scenario. “This is terrible. It’s always going to be like this, it’s always going to be terrible. It’s hopeless.”

Oh boy! Right off the cliff I went.

_{Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash}

Using mindfulness, I began to notice my thoughts were not facts. They were just my worried brain trying to cope. Eventually, I started to remember the situation was temporary, not fixed and permanent.

My inner dialogue began to sound more like, “Yesterday was OK. This wasn’t happening yesterday or even an hour ago.” Then I had the space to consider what had changed for either myself or my kids. “Oh yeah, they got crap sleep.” Or “They are anxious about school starting,” etc.

At that moment I could take a breath. “Yes it’s really hard right now. I am frustrated and overwhelmed and I wish everyone could take it down a notch, but this won’t last forever. It is situational.”

Slowly, through practice, I could begin to experience the feelings related to my present stress and be more mindful of my fearful thoughts, “It’s always going to be like this, it’s always been like this.” Then I can slow down and say, “Wait. This is situational.” With practice, it got easier and easier to not be swept away by my fearful and overwhelming thoughts. It got easier and easier to understand the true reasons behind the changes in my kids and myself. Eventually, I could believe, “This will pass. Things will return to normal.”

Thought for Today:

When we get swept away by big emotions, it’s hard to have clarity. Mindful meditation is powerful because we can begin to see our internal states more clearly, we can hold them with compassion and curiosity. We can begin to have the necessary space needed to make choices rather than react.

Quick win (bc we all need quick wins in the sea of despair):

When you’re in a good mood and everything seems okay, take a moment to write down three positive thoughts about yourself as a parent, your kids, and/or the general state of things. This is the “everything is ok” state of mind. In contrast, write three things you commonly think when you are in panic or despair.

Mine are:

Everything-is-ok state of mind: “My kids are fun and rambunctious but I can handle it and I appreciate their enthusiasm for life.”

Everything-is-NOT-ok state of mind: “Everything is terrible and hard. Everything has always been terrible and hard. Everything will always be terrible and hard.” (Not facts, just BIG emotions when I am caught in my negative spiral.)

What are your internal thoughts when everything is ok vs when you are in your negative spiral?