When Kids Refuse to Leave: The Parenting Challenge We All Face
We’ve been at the playground for a couple of hours. My kids have been running around, playing hard, and having a great time outside. Now it is time for the not-so-fun task of leaving. There is a 50/50 chance it will go smoothly. On this particular day, I was not so lucky. When I called out it was time to go everyone kept playing and ignored me. Ugg, it was going to be one of those days. How I handled this common parenting situation always predicted what would happen next.
Unfortunately, this time, I got impatient and frustrated. I said, “Let’s go! I should not have to ask 5 times!” My impatience and anger were fueled by negative unhelpful thoughts. “My kids do not listen. I can never get them to follow directions. I hate leaving the park.”
The underlying internal message that I was not consciously thinking about but was just under the surface was that I was failing at parenting. What was wrong with me that I could not get my kids to listen and leave the park easily? Slipping into this self-critical spiral on the inside fueled my anger and frustration on the outside. The angrier I got with my kids, the more they ran away from me. The more they ran away from me, the more I felt like a failure.
You Are Not Alone
It is in these kinds of moments we need a major mindset shift to get unstuck. Remembering we are Interconnected as parents is essential. The false story we often tell ourselves in moments like these is that our parenting is uniquely terrible. Our kids are exceptionally awful, etc. The truth is our kids are generally pretty typical. Sometimes kids listen and sometimes they do not. Not because they are so awful or that our parenting is so terrible but because kids reasonably are having fun and do not want to leave. Consciously reminding ourselves that our children are normal, their behavior is normal, and our feelings of frustration as parents are normal, and reasonable begin to take the fuel from the fire. Perspective returns and we can once again find our inner calm.
A Step-by-Step Guide to a Peaceful Exit
Let’s walk through this step by step. It is time to leave the park and you say to your kiddo(s). “Ok we have 5 more minutes, then we are headed home.” To grease the wheels, you might engage in a game of chase or whatever they are playing for the last five minutes. While our engagement often does help kids accept the disappointment of leaving it does not always lead to them easily coming along with us.
Next you say, “Alright guys this was super fun. Let’s head out.” And your kiddo looks at you, smiles and runs away. “AWWWWWW!” Internally you scream. A feeling of dread arises. The negative internal thoughts begin and you say, “I said, Let’s GO!” Then you catch yourself. You remember this blog and you say to yourself, “Hold on, I’m slipping into the negative spiral and I do not want to.”
Embracing Interconnected Parenting
Then you remind yourself, Interconnected: “Lots of other parents have had this exact same experience when trying to get their kids to leave someplace fun. I am not alone in this experience. Another parent is likely going through this with me right now in this very moment somewhere in the world. It is normal for kids not to want to leave when they are having fun. It is normal and reasonable for me to get impatient and frustrated.”
Take the time to imagine another parent and kids leaving the park and having your exact experience. Feel the interconnection between you and that other parent in your imagination. Feel the soothing awareness that you are both doing a great job as parents and sometimes parenting is difficult and messy. You look over at them and they at you and you smile that knowing smile to each other. Their smile says to you, “It’s one of those days. I see you. You are doing a great job and your kids are ok.“
“Self-Compassion is Rooted in Our Common Humanity”
Self-compassion researcher and teacher Dr. Kristen Neff explains,
“Self-compassion is rooted in our common humanity. When we struggle or make mistakes, there’s often an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person in the world having this painful experience. All humans suffer, however. Not the same way or the same amount, but the very definition of being “human” means being vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others.”
Reminding ourselves that we are interconnected taps into our common parenting humanity and frees us from the painful experience of isolation.
Thought for the Day: An Antidote to Isolation
One of the most painful experiences of going through difficult moments is the feeling of isolation in that challenge. The feeling that we are alone amplifies the painful experience. An antidote to isolation is consciously reminding ourselves of our common humanity, that we are interconnected and truly not alone in our human experience.
Quick Win: Building Your Internal Support System
Identify a person, animal or a few people or animals who bring you comfort and the feeling of being understood. Maybe they are your friends or family. They might also be people you have never met, but you have read their book, listened to their story and you know they’d be there providing understanding, compassion and support. Imagine them there with you in those difficult moments. Maybe they’d playfully chase your kids and help you shift the mood. Maybe they’d throw their arm around you and say, “I’ve been there. It gets better.” These people and/or animals are your internal support system. You can call on them anytime you are struggling and need to remember you are not alone.
Send me a message and share with me who is in your internal support system.
If you need more help download my free Guided Pause audio to use in moments like these. In this guided pause I will walk you through calming your own brain to shift out of reactivity and into a grounded response. I also have an entire guided meditation on Welcome to the Campfire included in my Guided Meditations for Parents.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!