Parenting from a Place of Shame and Burnout
For several years I was parenting from a place of shame. Too often when I was parenting I was burned out and trudging through. I was stuck in reactivity and this often meant yelling at my kids.
Which I hate!
I wanted to set loving limits, and I tried. But again and again, I would get triggered and yell. When I was first learning how to not yell, I removed myself to the bathroom. Something happened, I was triggered, and the only way I could keep myself from yelling was by removing myself.
Sounds great right? No! Not so great. It was good that I found a way not to yell, but I was still triggered and subsequently flooded with big emotions. I was so deeply ashamed to be so easily triggered and filled with rage.
Finding Compassion in the Midst of Struggle
My shame tapes would play, What’s wrong with me? I’m a therapist, why can’t I get it together? I wasn’t severely abused, so where is all this coming from? What’s wrong with me? This is when I started to practice Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break.
It goes something like this:
- “This is a moment of suffering” – mindfulness
- “suffering as a part of life” – common humanity
- “May I be kind to myself” – self-compassion
I changed up the words to fit me and my situation:
- “This is anger, rage, pain, shame.” – mindfulness: Naming our emotion helps us take a step out of the reactivity and notice what’s happening
- “Lots of parents get angry with their kids and yell.” – common humanity: I am not alone in the world or these, emotions or in this experience.
- “Another parent might be struggling with similar feelings right now, right on my street.” self-compassion: I was learning to send myself a message, “I’m not alone, and I’m not the only one.”
- “May I be kind to myself?” Then do the cheesy thing of putting my hand on my heart and repeating the words once more.
Embracing Self-Compassion as a Parenting Tool
At first, when I did this, it felt like just words words. I was still deeply ashamed. It was hard to believe any other parents struggled with this. I would always picture people in my life and their kids and think they would never do this. They never yell at their kids like this. These thoughts were not helpful and probably not true.
Over time, it felt less cheesy and more comforting to put my hand on my heart and repeat the words of self-compassion. It took months of practice for the shame to release its grip on me. Eventually, I started to believe the words spoken in this self-compassion break, and they brought relief and comfort when I needed it most.
They also brought back the more-at-peace-mother that my kids deserve!
Thought for the day: Banishing Shame
It’s easy to get caught in the painful trap of shame which tells us we are awful, no one will love us and we shouldn’t tell anyone about anything. Self-compassion can be a powerful antidote to shame. Teaching us to love ourselves in the places we most hate ourselves and want to hide.
The light in me sees the light in you,
~Michelle
Michelle Puster M.Ed.
Mindfulness Informed Professional
Helping burned out parents find inner calm and compassion
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301
Katy, TX 77494
832.361.1547
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