In the many seasons of life, certain periods can become more demanding and intense. During these busy seasons, I notice the mindfulness and balance I’ve worked on cultivating seem to slip away. It becomes harder and harder not to obsessively plan. I begin to recount and ruminate over what’s happened and obsess over what’s to come and how to plan for it.
When my kids are out of school my schedule also changes. The months leading up to summer break are filled with worry and intense planning. Again and again, I recount previous summers, what worked and what didn’t. Then I plan and plan. It’s exhausting!
Planning is helpful but productive planning can quickly turn into worried thoughts. Over and over, I revisit things that didn’t go well in past summers. Sometimes the worry even turns to dread. It saddens me that I begin to dread the time of the year my kids are the most excited about (outside of Christmas of course).
This is where I try my best to apply compassionate mindfulness. Kristin Neff calls it a Self-Compassion Break.
Step 1 is mindfulness. During this step I mindfully name what I’m feeling. “I’m experiencing overwhelm, fear, worry.”
Step 2 is to notice the common humanity of my situation and feelings. For example, “I am not alone. Lots of parents are probably stressing about summer plans right now. It’s normal to be concerned about my kids’ childcare over the summer and want the best possible situation for them and for us.”
Step 3 is self-compassion. In this step, I place my hand on my heart and repeat, “This is difficult. It’s hard not to know what to do or how it will turn out.” I like to imagine my Grandmother or an older wiser version of myself saying these kind, validating, and comforting words to me.
As meditation teacher Jeff Warren puts it, we can welcome our worried selves to the party.
I like to imagine my worried self sitting around a campfire with my support system. I give my worried self a cozy blanket and a warm mug of tea. My support system is there for her. I don’t judge her for being worried. I know she’s a great mom and this will pass.
Thought for the day: Self-compassion is often counterintuitive. What our instincts tell us is, “Try harder! Don’t stop until the stress is gone!” (impossible by the way)
We can also experience our inner judgment kicking into high gear, “I should just be able to get over it. I’m being ridiculous.”
We kick ourselves when we are down, even though we know it doesn’t help. We find ourselves “shoulding” ourselves to death.
“I should not feel this way.“
“I should be able to handle it all.”
“I should be the person I know I can be.”
Self-compassion doesn’t take away the worry, it just changes our relationship with it. Self-compassion keeps us from adding fuel to the fire and kicking ourselves while we are down.
Quick win: What difficult emotion or worried part of you can you welcome to the party? Can you offer that worried part of you a cup of tea versus judging him or her?
The light in me sees the light in you,
~Michelle
Michelle Puster M.Ed.
Mindfulness Informed Professional
Helping burned out parents find inner calm and compassion
This blog is brought to you by the RAGE Break. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting. I hope this free resource is a helpful tool to stepping out of yelling and finding your inner calm and compassion. I’d love to hear if you find it useful or what you need even more.
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