Before I had an ounce of mindfulness in my life, when things got tough my instinct was to push harder, do more, speed up, even if those responses made no sense.
About five years ago I had to let go of a nanny because they were stealing from us. The morning I was planning to fire our nanny of three years, I was very anxious and upset. I had huge emotions coursing through me.
I was getting ready for work, trying to brush my teeth while also making coffee. Perfectly normal and sane way to get ready for work, right? I was rushing around my kitchen like a mad woman. Not to mention, there were three children somewhere in the background.
I had just listened to Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself in which she explains how when your stress level goes up, you might start rushing around and doing more to cope. This doing more reaction creates a comedy of errors chain reaction. You rush and hurry about. You burn yourself with your curling iron. You spill coffee on yourself as you are rushing to fix it while also buttoning your shirt. During all of this rushing around you lose your keys. When I read this, I remembered thinking, “Yep that’s me to a T.” In my effort to speed up and try harder, I was literally making things harder for myself.
This was so obvious the morning of firing the babysitter. I was flustered and upset. Having mindfulness and slowing down never occurred to me. I tried harder. I spilled my coffee. I could not find my keys. The emotions of anger and betrayal coursed inside of me. I coped by hurrying. I was doing three things at once. Rushing around created new obstacles and frustrations.
It was powerful to see this destructive pattern in practice. I am a high-energy person and tend towards big emotions. I can be hyperactive and manic(ish).
I also learned these skills through observing my mom, who also tried harder and did more when things went sideways while I was growing up.
These grooves were deep in my brain and I wanted a new way.
After this eye-opening experience, I began trying to notice my hurried response to stress. When I caught myself hurrying in response to stress I began to pause. Eventually, I also began using Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break Meditation during these pauses. I realized practicing mindfulness is key to handling life’s challenges.
My compassion meditation sounded like this,
“This is a moment of stress and overwhelm.” Mindfulness
“It’s normal to feel angry and upset when you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted with your children.” Common Humanity
Putting my hand over my heart, “This is so hard, so painful. I’m doing the best I can. It’s normal and understandable to be so upset.” Self-Compassion
Thought for the Day: Mindfulness does not take away our pain. In fact, sometimes it puts us in closer contact with our pain. We become more aware of our suffering. This is where self-compassion is essential. Self-compassion is like someone seeing us. Noticing we are struggling and caring enough to come close and letting us feel what we are feeling in their warm and unconditionally loving presence. We can interrupt old destructive patterns and create new pathways of giving ourselves kindness in the moments we need them the most.
~Michelle
Michelle Puster M.Ed.
Mindfulness Informed Professional
Helping burned out parents find inner calm and compassion
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301
Katy, TX 77494
832.361.1547