Mindfulness can bring awareness to unhelpful patterns in our thinking. One of my own unhelpful patterns that I became aware of recently was my obsessive mind. I am not proud to say, I went months, even years being unaware of our family finances. It’s not uncommon in couples for one person to pay the bills and keep track of the money going in and out. It was stressful at times not knowing the state of our finances and was that activity in our budget or not. It was also unfair to my partner to put all of the stress and burden of the finances on him and be blissfully unaware. At times our finances would become a source of conflict between us. As a result I decided I needed to be more aware of our finances in an effort to be able to contribute to the conversation.
My obsessive mind has its upsides and its downsides. The upside is I can become hyper focused on a topic and have loads of energy to learn about a new topic. I read several books on finances, I listened to podcasts, and watched documentaries. It was really helpful. I learned a lot and began thinking more about my spending and our family’s spending. I also created plans to pay off debt and began creating a rainy day fund.
My obsessive mind or hyper-focusing allows me to take deep dives and learn a great deal. All at once I became highly motivated. The downside is and was, I got obsessed with every dollar we spent. I would try to be perfect in our spending and saving. I would get upset with my partner about small purchases. If they were over our budgeted agreement. Another important point is that my partner trusted me with finances and never made comments about my spending. It was very unfair and unhelpful to all the sudden become hyper critical and judgmental about how he was spending. I would get stressed and obsessed over every dollar we spent. I was completely missing equanimity and balance when it came to budgeting and spending.
I am not going to lie, this is still a growth area for me. It’s easier to ignore our spending than it is to pay attention and not get stressed and obsessed. In the long run, I don’t want to ignore our spending or put all of the stress and decision-making about finances back on my partner. Instead, I continue to work towards finding balance. I track our spending and create financial goals knowing it will be imperfect. When I get stressed and obsessed I try to express my fears to my partner rather than judge and criticize his spending. And when inevitably my fears get the better of me and come out as judgements and criticisms before I can catch myself, I apologize. I have to apologize a lot.
I’m aware this pattern doesn’t just exist in finances. I get obsessed and have fearful thoughts about a lot of things. This is why I need my mindful compassion practices. First, as I continue to track our spending, I try to pay attention and notice if I begin to ruminate about how much or how we are spending. Second, I offer my self compassion and understanding for these emotions. When I notice the obsessing thoughts I say to myself, “It’s normal and understandable to get stressed about finances. It’s good to care about our family’s finances.” Then I might try to dig a little deeper and ask myself, “Is there a fear here for me? What am I afraid of if our spending gets out of control?” As a fear or fears come to the surface it may be helpful to share these with my partner.
Obsessive thinking is often uncomfortable, stressful, and maybe even painful. It can be helpful to consider, “Is there anything beneficial about my obsessing mind? How has it helped me?” It’s also useful to consider, “How is it trying to help me now? Even though it might not be working out that way. It may be easier to offer ourselves compassion versus wishing for a lobotomy if we see our obsessing mind as at least trying to serve us.
Quick Win:
When you get caught in obsessive thinking, first note it.
- “This is my mind obsessing.”
Can you allow your obsessing thoughts versus trying to push them away by asking how might my obsessing mind be trying to help me?
- Allow – “How might my obsessing mind be trying to help me?”
Can you offer yourself a bit of grace by reminding yourself it is normal to get caught in obsessive thoughts from time to time especially about things that matter deeply to us.
- Compassion – “I’m thinking a lot about … because it really matters to me.
With 8 billion people on the planet, it is safe to say you are not alone in whatever may be stressing you. You are part of a larger whole, common humanity.
- Common humanity – “Lots of people stress and worry about … I am not alone.”
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links.
P.S. I’d love to hear how you used a quick win in your life to get through a tough moment. Share your story with me here…
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
A reminder
This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.