Burnout Begins with the Trap of Unrealistic Standards
Our expectations of ourselves as parents can leave us feeling drained and depleted when they are unattainable. We can get stuck in internal traps where we tell ourselves over and over we should be doing more or better. Worse yet we often tell ourselves that we are failing because we are not doing enough as parents. In some cases, we come to resent parenting or parts of parenting because it brings us so much pain to feel like we are constantly failing at something so important to us. We believe our inner critic who tells us we are failing our kids, our partner, and ourselves.
The inner critic is WRONG! You are not failing. Instead, it may be what you were told you should be as a parent, partner and person are actually unattainable, a mirage. We are trying, in some cases running ourselves into the ground, attempting to meet expectations that are unreachable.
In my journey through parent burnout I realized again and again I felt like I was failing. If I could not get myself and my kids out the door in the morning peacefully, I was failing. When I was angry and on edge constantly with my kids, I was failing. When I was depressed and anxious and could not find joy some days with my kids, I was failing. If I was too exhausted to give my partner a hug or have some semblance of a connection, I was failing. I was comparing myself to a parenting standard that was out of my reach, likely out of anyone’s reach.
Moving Beyond “I’m Failing as a Parent”
The narrative that I was failing only made me feel worse. In turn I struggled more to show up the way I longed to as a parent. The more I told myself that I was failing the more I struggled with yelling, losing it, and constantly being on edge in tough parenting moments. It was not until I began working with a parenting coach did I start to shift my perspective. She said over and over again, what I was doing (raising three kids close in age with other challenging factors) was difficult so it made sense I was struggling.
Perhaps I was not failing at parenting, perhaps what I was doing was REALLY DAMN HARD. And struggling when something is really hard is normal. Being able to handle anything life throws my way with ease, grace and without struggling is unrealistic and unattainable.
We are going to take a closer look at moments when you tell yourself you are failing and offer a mindset shift out of too high parenting expectations to a balanced perspective.
3 steps to shift out of Too High Parenting Expectations and the Self-Criticism that Follows
1. Catch inner critic self-talk.
Use the notes in your phone to jot down anytime throughout the day you catch yourself in self-criticism, feeling like you are failing, feeling you should be doing more or better, comparing yourself to another parent unfavorably. Sometimes our inner critic can be wily and difficult to detect so anytime you notice yourself feeling badly about something in your day, check in and ask yourself, Am I judging myself at this moment? Am I feeling I should be doing better?
For example, you are trying to get your toddler into their car seat and your toddler goes stiff. They are using their whole body to refuse to buckle up. You in turn are close to losing it. You get frustrated and short with your kiddo. You are angry and get a little loud and intense. Your toddler begins to cry and you feel terrible. You ask yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get my toddler to get in their car seat without losing it? Every other parent seems to be able to do this. Why can’t I?”
This is a moment of self-criticism in the form of I’m not measuring up. Next time you have a moment pull out your phone and jot it down. “Hard on myself about getting angry when Enzo would not get into their car seat.”
2. How would a friend respond?
Consider how you would respond to a friend in a similar situation who is telling themselves a similar story. Imagine your friend telling you the story, what your child did, how they responded and then they ask you, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get my toddler to get in their car seat without losing it? Every other parent seems to be able to do this. Why can’t I?” What might you say to them? Possible ideas, “That sounds REALLY hard. Of course, you got angry. That does not mean you are failing, it means you are human. I struggle in moments like those too.”
What could you write in your notes next to, “Hard on myself …” Possible example – “It is normal to get angry when frustrating things happen. I was under pressure to leave and get to the doctor on time.”
You might be protesting as you are reading this, “Well it was not ok that I got loud and intense with my kiddo.” That is reasonable AND when we beat ourselves up for our actions we feel worse about ourselves. When we feel worse about ourselves it is often reflected in our actions with those we love. When we can instead offer ourselves understanding and grace around our emotions of frustrations and anger we are more likely to be able to shift out of behaviors that we do not like.
3. Remind yourself you are not alone.
Our inner critic often likes to tell us not only that we are terrible but also that everyone else is better and no one else is struggling this way. This is an example of the too high parenting expectations mentioned earlier. This of course is NOT true. We compare our insides to other people’s outsides. Everyone else may look like they have it all together and parent with ease in the brief interactions we have with them.
In reality parenting is difficult for every parent from time to time. We all struggle as parents. We all struggle to maintain our patients, keep our calm, know what to do, etc. We need to consciously remind ourselves that we are not alone in our parenting struggles. With 8 billion people on the planet it is safe to say you are not alone in your parenting experiences or feelings.
In the notes section in your phone add a third line. “Lots of other parents would struggle with this too. Someone somewhere might be struggling in the same way I am right now. I am not alone.”
Parenting Thought for the Day: Expectations, Burnout, and the Mirage of Perfection
Before having children, we may have had idealistic expectations of what parenting would be like. We may have believed we would be able to handle parenting with grace and ease. When the toughest parenting moments, along with life, hit our idealistic expectations we came into parenting with can make us feel like failures. Feeling like we are failing contributes to parent burnout in a major way.
Being able to see that our expectations of parenting were a mirage and unattainable can help us shift out of self-criticism and feeling like failures. In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, sisters Emily Nagoski PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA refer to the space between where we are and where we believe we should be as the abyss.
We are on one side of the abyss and on the other side is where we want to be, the land of perfection. There is a perfect home with a perfect lawn. Beautifully dressed and behaved children. A perfect couple who are always happy, have more than enough money and never fight or experience stress. This may not be what your mirage looks like. All of our mirages may look a little different. The clearer we can get about our mirage or too high expectations the easier it is to begin to dismantle them. We can then see we are not failing as parents, we are normal.
Parenting Quick Win / Journaling Prompt
Take a moment to remember your expectations of what being a parent and having a family would look and feel like before you had children. You could remember as far back to when you were a child, if you daydreamed about having a family.
How did you imagine it? How did you imagine you would be as a parent? Perhaps when you became pregnant you had ideas about how you imagined parenting would look. How did you imagine yourself as a parent?
Did you have any ideal expectations of yourself as a parent that you now compare yourself to unfavorably? Any expectations that you strive for that may be unattainable?
What are obstacles in parenting or life you did not know about, could not have anticipated or expected which have a huge impact on your parenting?
In another color pen. Write a letter to yourself as if you were a friend. For example,
Michelle, I see how hard you try as a parent. You are doing an amazing job. You could not have anticipated … It is reasonable to feel sad that parenting is not exactly what you expected. ….
I have a free gift for you, the Guided Audio Pause & Regroup, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup.
I created the Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and losing my patience in parenting.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity. I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.