It’s 7:15 AM. The dog needs to be let out. One kid isn’t even out of bed and the other two are fighting. I’ve got lunches to make, backpacks to pack up, and breakfast to get in front of my kids. In a whirlwind, it all comes together. Two kids with shoes and backpacks on and one to go. Then it happens, my third kiddo throws her socks across the room. Inside, my body fills with rage. I feel the heat rise inside me. My adrenaline is pumping. We were so close and now the goal of getting to school on time seems impossible.
I would love nothing more than to be able to respond from an endless well of patience and understanding in these moments. I’d love to do something playful and diffuse the situation and help my kiddo in their moment of struggle. In reality, it takes every ounce of my energy, not to fly into rage mode. As Dr. Daniel Siegel says, I had flipped my lid. At this point in my journey, I knew enough to know I needed to remove myself from the situation. I took myself into my bathroom and followed the following Guided Pause & Regroup steps.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings – enraged, guilt, frustration, shame
2. Move your body – push-ups, jumping jacks, pushing against the wall
3. Shift Your Thoughts – Repeating to ourselves how angry we are at our kiddos is not helpful. Instead we can focus our thoughts on stomping out the stress monster or repeating to ourselves, “I am in control. I’ve got this.” “I am bigger and stronger than the stress of this moment.” “I can do hard things.” Thank you Glennon Doyle.
4. Self – Compassion – It’s normal and reasonable to be angry and frustrated when your kiddo derails the morning. You are not alone. There are probably lots of other parents struggling to get their kids to get their shoes and socks on and get out the door right at this moment.
Now that my prefrontal cortex is back intact, I can return to my kiddo and help them get their shoes and socks on. This tool became invaluable to help me cope with every day, stressful parenting moments. Over time it helped me to have more bandwidth and patience in the toughest moments.
Thought for the Day
It is important to remember the context of our situation. Often, we shame and blame ourselves for not responding ideally in tough parenting moments. But the truth is of course we cannot respond with calm, ease and patience every day in every moment. If we zoom out and see just how tough our circumstances are and how on any given day we might be dealing with extra stuff it might be a little easier to respond to ourselves with compassion and grace. The more patient we can be with ourselves the easier it will be to regain our balance and find our calm to respond rather than react in any given moment.
Quick Win
Download the 4 step Guided Pause & Regroup here. Save it to the 1st screen on your phone. Practice using it when everything is ok. Then the next time you feel like you have flipped your lid, pause and step away. Pop me into your ears and I will walk you through the big emotions and feelings you are experiencing. I will help you regain your balance and return to your kid(dos) with a little more calm.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be
used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.