Tears filled my eyes as I sat at the dining room table over dinner. It had been a day nothing special or terrible had happened. My partner had left early in the morning, as was his routine, at 6:00 or 6:30 AM and arrived home after 6:30 or 7:00 PM. The kids woke up multiple times in the night disrupting my sleep and were ready to start their day at 6 AM. I was not ready! I was tired, but it didn’t matter. My tears reflected my overwhelm with the long nights and even longer days with seemingly no end in the near future.
I started my days when my kids were young with good intentions. My plan every day was to get out of the house and get outside as quickly as I could. You would think my days off from work would be my days of rest but with three toddlers and the 24/7 of parenting, these days did not feel restful. They felt like a grind. I drove through the coffee shop drive-through as I did every day. That coffee felt like my lifeline. A little something to look forward to each morning.
I learned to cope with my overwhelming depression by getting out of the house and outside as often as possible. In the house, I felt the walls close in on me. My kids crying and high-pitched screams seemed louder and unbearable in the house. Outside, it all dissipated into the air. They also seemed to cry a lot less outside and have more fun playing. At the park is where I met some of my first mom friends. Finally, I was not alone. In those brief conversations I felt seen. Those other moms were living my experience and that was comforting.
Connection and support in my parenting became the path that eventually helped me find my way out of chronic lifelong depression. In my training as a therapist, I had learned that one of the most painful experience as a human being is isolation. As mammals, we are wired for connection so isolation leads to pain and despair. For me, an extrovert and someone who is prone to depression this was particularly significant and true.
The only problem is when you are depressed you don’t exactly feel like being social. Worse yet, the depression and shame might say to you something like, “There is something wrong with you.” or “No one is going to want to be close to you.” or “People are not safe to get close to” (past experiences might tell us this too). So, seeking out connection and trusting others enough to develop a connection might be an uphill battle.
Given how invaluable connection and support have been for me I want to give you two places to start.
1. Put yourself in the space. Go to places with other moms (or people you want to spend time with), parks, biker/walker pick up at school, organized Mom groups, place of worship groups. Start online if that feels more comfortable then look for an in-person group. Start your own mom group, walking group, coffee meet up, anything you would like to be a part of. Host a neighborhood ice cream social, or bubble party in your neighborhood park. If it does not exist, create it. Others will be grateful you did.
2. Turn your light on like a taxi cab. Set an intention for yourself, I am open and ready to make friends and have deeper connections. Sometimes our body language is closed off so people might not approach us or say hi. Linger before and after a baby and me in class or preschool drop off. Are there any moms that seem cool, interesting, someone you could see yourself being friends with or having a coffee with? If you are feeling really brave ask them for coffee, to meet up at a park, or take a walk with you. At the very least make sure your phone is down and your head is up so you are approachable in situations where a spontaneous conversation might happen.
3. Share only what feels safe. All different levels of friendship are valuable, acquaintances to close friendships where we develop deep connections and bonds. However, when we first meet someone there are no marbles in the marble jar, as Brene Brown describes in her book Daring Greatly. Brene Brown uses the marble jar analogy to explain how trust is built. Initially when you first meet someone there are no marbles in the marble jar. As you get to know someone and have positive experiences trust is built and marbles start to accumulate. This is an excellent way to think about building friendships. It starts off at a surface level and over time as you each share a little about yourself trust and a deeper friendship grows.
Tips to Putting Yourself Out There:
1. Don’t give up. If the first space you try is a bust it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that people can’t be trusted. It just means that space was not a good fit. Keep trying. Future you will be glad you did.
2. Give it time. It takes time to develop true connections, safety, and trust. In all honesty it took me several years. If you are currently living in isolation that might feel like an eternity. Looking back, I am so grateful I put myself in places that I could make connections even though it took time. Otherwise I’d still be living in isolation with depression having a tight grip on my life.
3. Share a little more. Perhaps you already have friends and community but you still feel isolated and alone. Consider if it is possible to share a little bit more of yourself with someone you trust. We often keep up facades because being real is scary for many good reasons. Is there anyone you feel safe enough with to share a little more openly with, to be a little more real with. Start small and see if it is a positive experience. You deserve to be met with unconditional support and possibly having them respond by opening up a little in turn.
Thought for the Day
You are not alone. Parenting can be an isolating experience but there are many parents who feel similar to you and who are having similar experiences. There are people who are safe and who will understand and be there for you. Your depression will tell you other stories as highlighted above. I’m telling you people want to connect with you and if you keep trying you will find the right people for you.
Quick Win
1. Put yourself in the space – Choose one idea from above or your own and put yourself in that space in the next month.
2. Turn your light on – Set your intention to meet someone new, connect with a group or deepen a friendship. Write it somewhere you can see it regularly and share your intention with someone you trust.
3. Share only what feels safe. Write out how a positive interaction with someone might go. What will you say? What feels comfortable. How will you feel after you have invited that person to coffee and they’ve said YES!
Remember …
- Don’t give up
- Give it time
- Share a little more (if applicable)
You’ve got this!
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be
used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
Additional Resources
https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression