Depression is uniquely painful for its ability to keep us in isolation. Depression is like a dark cunning character in a movie. Just when we start to feel a little down, it arrives, surrounding us, changing our outlook and perspective with it’s dark views of us and our situation. We don’t want to listen to depression but it draws us in and convinces us everything is terrible, everything has always been terrible and everything will always be terrible. It also likes to convince us, our pain is our fault. If we were better, stronger, smarter, etc. we would not be going through this. This triggers our shame. Shame, depression’s best friend, also loves isolation. Social support can be the antidote to this isolation, offering connection and healing.
When feeling this way, it’s a struggle to be around people. Social support becomes challenging as you don’t want to be seen when all your flaws feel exposed and highlighted. You want to hide away. Social pleasantries feel contrived and forced. Even if you can put yourself around people, you feel fake and inauthentic because you’re having to mask how you really feel. It feels safer to hide, but reaching out for social support can be a crucial step in breaking through this isolation.
I, like most people who experience depression, can dive into a deep cave of isolation with the best of them. Even though I’m an extravert, during bouts of depression I dreaded seeing people, being around people, and social gatherings. I avoided people and being social. Unfortunately staying away from people only helped me avoid momentary discomfort and like mold, my shame thrived in the dank darkness. The more ashamed I felt about who I was and how I showed up in the world, the more I hid. Social support became crucial in breaking this cycle of isolation and shame.
Luckily, during my adult bouts with depression I had been studying attachment as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and our primal need as human beings for connection. Our wired-in need for connection was reinforced in every therapist training I took and every book I read. I knew I could not do life alone and that I would likely never get full relief from depression until I could surround myself with support.
I turned my light on, you know like a taxi cab. I wanted to at least begin to be open to connection and support. I set the intention to make connections and seek out support wherever I could.
Eventually I got myself to an Al-anon meeting (support group for friends and family members of alcoholics) for 6 months to a year. It was not exactly the support I needed at the time but it was a place to start. Al-ateen, the al-anon program for teens, had rescued me in highschool so I thought I would give it a shot. (In reality my Mom suggested it on the regular and eventually I gave in.) In al-anon was able to be around people who were also in pain, willing to be real, and who did not judge me. I got a sponsor and called her when I hit low lows at home with my kids. It was invaluable to have her as a refuge.
Then I found a Hand In Hand parenting coach. Because my stress was centered around parenting burnout and my stress over my relationships with my kids, I needed support specific to parenting. My weekly calls with my parenting coach became a lifeline. My parenting coach understood my specific parenting struggles and was supportive in how I wanted to parent. My partner and I also got into marriage counseling which allowed us to be more of a support to each other than pitted against each other.
At work I began to build a social network through therapists communities. I got supervision so I no longer had to face work stress alone. Social support was the antidote to my isolation. In isolation I felt alone, worse about myself and my situation. I knew from everything that I had studied about attachment that I would never be free from depression if I remained isolated. I needed social support like I needed oxygen. I needed friends, family, and a whole community. I started building my community slowly in every area of my life.
As mammals we are wired for connection. Our survival has depended on our relationships and our tribe for thousands of years. Unfortunately in our culture we get the opposite messages. We are warned against being too dependent. The goal is independence and going at it alone. Individualism is highly respected. As a society, we are more isolated than we’ve ever been, with less and less sense of community in our neighborhoods, at work, or in our lives in general. It is so easy to stay in our own bubble. It makes sense that as a society our level of depression and anxiety continue to rise. It is ok to need and lean on people. In fact, it is invaluable. We need people, connection, and support. That will look different for each of us. Some of us may have a close friend or two. Others may have lots of close friends. We may find connection with family, a faith community, fellow parents or from a number of other places.
It is also ok to engage in light pleasantries with people even when you are not feeling light on the inside. I love Berne Brown’s marble jar analogy. If you have just met someone there are no marbles in the marble jar so you share very surface level stuff about yourself with them. As you get to know someone and can trust them, more marbles accumulate in the marble jar. Over time you can share more of yourself and be more real. If you are just meeting or getting to know someone it is not inauthentic to hold back your deeper, more complicated feelings. It is being true to the part of yourself that needs a trusted confidant to share on a deeper level.
Quick(ish) win: If you feel stuck in painful isolation please know you are not alone. Your struggle is real. It is difficult to get out of the cycle of isolation and depression. I share my story as evidence you are not alone and to validate how difficult it is to break out of isolation. Start anywhere. Like me, it may not be exactly what you need but it may help you get to something else that is a better fit. Consider one person you could deepen a relationship with or one way you could put yourself around people in your life.
Ideas: online or in person parenting group, connect with a therapist, book club, yoga class, running group, ask that Mom you like to coffee, tennis lessons, walking group,
Keep the list going. Write as many things you can think of even if you would never do them. Choose one idea to try out.
For a good cry and to summarize all of the above check out the song Lean on Me by Bill Withers
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
This is not a therapist referral service. Michelle Puster and Compassionate Heart Mindful Life cannot and does not provide any warranties related to the information contained in or resulting services from any of the mental health care providers (therapists, counselors, psychologists, social-workers, marriage and family therapists, and other health providers) or other links to other services provided.