Struggling to be present amidst life’s chaos? For most of my life, I lived with my mind in the past or the future, with only fleeting moments in the present. I would be stuck in thoughts of, I should or shouldn’t have, why did I, what if … etc. I ruminated about everything that had happened and had fearful thoughts of what was to come. Being present felt like a luxury for people who were not terrified of life which wasn’t me. Mindfulness seemed to be reserved for calm people who have a serene presence about them. As a stressed out, overwhelmed, intense, high energy person with racing thoughts, I was sure mindfulness and any calm that might come with it was out of my reach.
In the height of my depression and burnout, struggling to be present with my kids became especially challenging. Some moments were easier than others. At work, I could get in the zone and be highly focused. At home, when I took my kids outside to play, it was easier to focus on their laughter and smiles. I would stay outside for as long as possible, feeling like a better mom, happier, lighter, and more present. However, inside everything changed. I felt the walls closing in on me, trapped in thoughts of my failures, my lacking abilities as a mom, followed by waves of fear that nothing would get better. I panicked that things would only get worse, persevering over what impact all of my perceived failures would have on my kids. Spending so much time in my head, it felt nearly impossible to be in the moment with my kids.
When I began to meditate regularly, it got easier to notice when I was lost in anxious thinking or ruminating in my everyday life. However, I could not just turn off these thoughts. I began using two approaches to bring my thoughts back to the present moment. One was to focus on my child’s eyes when they smiled, or laughed. I’d pay attention to the way their voice sounded and how they held themselves. Having practiced bringing my focus back to the breath again and again during meditation it made everyday mindfulness easier.
At times my thoughts were so overwhelming or my kids were having such a hard time it triggered me. I wanted to numb out and move away. The last thing I wanted to do was be present with them. This struggling, triggered part of me needed self-compassion. The second mindfulness practice I began using was Kristen Neff’s Self-Compassion Break.
My self-compassion break sounded like this:
“This is a moment of struggle.” – Mindfulness
“It’s normal to be upset about my kids losing it (or whatever it was at that moment).”
“Lots of people struggle with feeling frustrated with their kids.” – Common Humanity
Then I’d place my hand on my heart.
“Oh sweetheart this is painful. This is hard.” – Self-Compassion
At first, placing my hand on my heart and repeating something as mushie gooshie as, “Oh sweetheart this is painful” felt cheesy but overtime it got easier. I was in pain. I wanted to make changes. I believed in the science I had read about self-compassion. So I did it, cheesy or not. I wanted to feel better, damn it!.
I’d imagine my closest confidant there with me in my moment of pain and struggle. I’d imagine their hand on my shoulder, supporting me, loving me, without judgment or advice. After a few minutes, I returned to my kids a little lighter. It was then a little easier to remain in the moment with them.
Being present in life sounds great and it’s a beautiful goal to aspire to, but it can be difficult. First, we may struggle to even notice when we are lost in thought. Second, we may not want to feel the feelings associated with the present moment. It is natural to want to move away from what is painful or uncomfortable. Finally, we may judge ourselves for how we are feeling, thinking, or acting. There is a good reason we are struggling to be in the moment, to be present in our lives. Perhaps we are lost in fear or self-criticism. If we can bring our compassionate attention to these parts of us that are struggling, we may begin to be more free to experience the present moment.
Quick Win: Set an alarm or reminder on your phone three times a day. Label the alarm/reminder: Be Here Now. When the alarm or reminder goes off, take a long slow breath in through your nose and an even longer slower breath out through your mouth. Then ask yourself, “How am I feeling physically and emotionally right now?”
That’s mindfulness.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
This story was brought to you by the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
This is not a therapist referral service. Michelle Puster and Compassionate Heart Mindful Life cannot and does not provide any warranties related to the information contained in or resulting services from any of the mental health care providers (therapists, counselors, psychologists, social-workers, marriage and family therapists, and other health providers) or other links to other services provided.