Flexible Mind Vs. Rigid Mind
For most of my life, when I have gotten upset, overwhelmed, or struggled in one way or another emotionally I became more rigid about things. For example, the cleanliness, or lack thereof, of my house becomes a really BIG deal and all of a sudden, “It MUST be cleaned NOW!” My expectations of the kids, such as them following through with their chores, and of my partner become rigid and inflexible. “Why hasn’t he taken out the trash!” 😡 For a long time I never realized this was happening.
In a Hand-In-Hand parenting course, I learned that when my child is stuck in rigidity, i.e. all of a sudden they are fixated on having the right plate, the right socks, or can’t accept “No”, it’s a good indication that their emotional backpack is full. Their upset or rigidity isn’t about the plate. When they feel connected and their emotional backpack is light, they are more flexible about the plate they get, the outfit they wear, and so on. They are not carrying extra emotional baggage so they can be flexible and can go with the flow more easily and more easily let stuff roll off their back.
This was eye-opening. I knew immediately the same was true for me (or eventually I figured it out). I can walk past toys left out for days without any issue, but suddenly, I can feel enraged by the sight of toys scattered everywhere, a cluttered house, and a sink filled with dishes. My internal dialogue is harsh. “No one ever helps me around here. I have to do everything. Our house is always a mess and it always will be.”
Without this awareness, I used to express my frustrations to my kids or partner. With this awareness, I can pause and notice my irritation about the toys has escalated to a level 10, even though yesterday it didn’t seem to bother me at all. “What’s up?” I ask myself. Then I start to consider my emotional backpack i.e. stress level, “What’s changed? Where is this rigidity coming from? Oh yeah, I didn’t get any sleep last night because I’m worried about a presentation that’s tomorrow. Or I just found out my child needs testing for their struggles at school,” etc.
With more clarity and space I can pause and do Tara Broch’s R.A.I.N. practice.
R – Recognize
What emotions am I feeling right now?
“I’m frustrated about the mess and I’m overwhelmed and fearful. My presentation won’t go well. I won’t be asked back and I might embarrass myself.”
A – Allow
Can I allow the emotions to be here? Can I welcome the fear to the party?
I – Investigate
Where do I feel the emotions in my body? What do they feel like? For example, do I feel any tightness in my chest, tight and tense shoulders, or have an upset stomach?
N – Need
What do I need for this fear or uneasiness?
“I’d like to tell my partner because he’s very supportive and he’ll listen and give me a hug and tell me I’ll do great. It won’t take away my fear and uncertainty, but it will provide me some comfort and closeness. I might even then be able to ask him and the kids for help cleaning up a little because I know that will bring my stress level down and make me feel a little better.”
We can have the best tools with the best intentions of using them but sometimes our reactive patterns are so fast it’s hard to have enough space to even notice we are in a reactive pattern. Noticing rigidity feels accessible. Then asking the quick question: what’s the rigidity about? This has the potential to slow everything down and help us break free from the rigid reactive pattern and create enough space for something new to happen that will hopefully allow us to better meet our needs.
Quick win:
Practice R.A.I.N.
| Recognize | What emotions are you feeling right now? | |
| Accept | Can I accept these emotions and let them be here? Make space for them?Invite them to the party? | |
| Investigate | Where do I feel this emotion in my body? (Check in with your shoulders, throat, and stomach) | |
| Need | What do I need that might help me with this emotion?What would I say to a friend feeling this way? |
The light in me sees the light in you,
~Michelle
Michelle Puster M.Ed.
Mindfulness Informed Professional
Helping burned-out parents find inner calm and compassion
440 Cobia Drive Suite 1301
Katy, TX 77494
832.361.1547
Check out my blog on Money and Relationships
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