I stood there numb as my daughter cried. I felt like a robot or an unfeeling monster. I couldn’t find compassion or empathy for my child while she struggled to find just the right placement of her sock, only to rip it off again 30 seconds later. I just wanted her crying to stop. I wanted to get out the door. I wanted to scream.
It is not always easy to have or demonstrate compassion for our kiddo(s). There are many reasons why being compassionate or empathetic towards our children can be a challenge. One BIG reason is our children’s pain, and how they cope with their pain affects us too. In the past, especially when I was in parent burnout, my children’s upsets triggered me. Not only did I struggle to be compassionate, but at times it took everything in me not to yell and scream at them (depending on the situation.) I had to actively work to manage my own reactivity. The more triggered I was, the more I just wanted their behavior or crying to STOP, even if that took yelling.
It was especially hard for me to turn towards my kids with compassion if I somehow perceived their suffering to be my fault. Such as, “If I had handled something differently, been more gentle in my approach, more connected, spent more time with them, and on and on they would not be feeling or behaving this way.” “They would be able to handle it differently or better.” All signs led back to it being my fault!
The truth is, it is 100% NORMAL for my kids to have bad days or moments for a million different reasons that have little or nothing to do with me. At the time however, parenting burnout kept me stuck in perfectionistic thoughts and overwhelming fear. The negative thoughts would say, “If my child is struggling or having a hard time I have failed them. I should be doing more or something different.”
This negative spiral was particularly awful because my kids were young, so they were naturally having frequent upsets. I would slip into the shame spiral of “I’m failing,” and in turn, my mood would plummet. I saw how my negative mood impacted them and I’d blame myself for that too. I saw the spiral I was caught in, but I did not know how to escape it. The more I saw it, the more I feared how my depression was impacting my kids.
Fortunately, this is when I really started to lean on self-compassion to cope in these painful moments. I would use Kristin Neff’s self-compassion break to support myself during these tough periods. It sounded something like this:
“This is a painful moment. I’m struggling and fearful I am not enough for my kids.”
~ Mindfulness
“It is normal to be upset when my kids are suffering. This would be a hard moment for most parents. Other parents might be struggling with something similar right now too.”
~Common Humanity
Then I’d place my hand on my heart and offer some words of comfort. “This moment will not last forever. You are doing the best you can. It is ok to be upset.”
~Self-Compassion
Then I would peel myself off the bathroom floor and return to my day. There were many days I repeated this process multiple times.
Thought for the Day
It can be a real struggle to offer our kids compassion when we are beating ourselves up inside. In order to offer compassion to others we must first offer ourselves compassion in these moments. We can know that there will always be difficult days as parents, this is a given. We can also remind ourselves it is perfectly normal not to be able to be compassionate 100% of the time with our children. If more often than not I can be responsive to my kids that is good enough.
Quick Win
Journaling Prompt: Do I ever struggle with being compassionate with my child(ren)’s upsets?
What thoughts go through my mind in those moments? Is there an internal story or self-blame, or does your inner critic begin to make an appearance? If so, what is your inner critic saying to you? Is what the inner critic is telling you true? Are there other possible reasons for what is happening with your kiddo(s) besides what your inner critic is telling you?
Don’t forget to offer yourself a little grace and compassion. This is tough stuff to dig into and get curious about.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
I have a free gift for you, our 4 step Guided Pause & Regroup, a free audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created this Guided Pause & Regroup because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.
This story was brought to you by “Yelling to Connecting” is finished and now available for sale. If you or someone you know struggles with yelling at your kids, losing it, or being constantly on edge this course will be a helpful tool.
Imagine how different your life would be if you could…
- Feel more lighthearted and balanced with your kiddos
- Trust that you have the strength and emotional capacity to handle your toughest parenting moments
- Connect more easily with your children
- Laugh and smile more with your kids – and in general
And, know that you have the balance and groundedness to be able respond to your kids rather than react and finally stop yelling.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.