Big Emotions : What now?

“What am I supposed to do with all of this anger? My body feels like it might explode. No amount of breathing is going to call me down.” These emotions are what my kids call BIG EMOTIONS.

In my efforts not to yell, I would remove myself to the bathroom when in full fight or flight mode. I didn’t know what to do with all of the anger and big emotions running through my body. Should I hit a pillow? Yell what I wanted to yell when no one was around to hear it? (Where’s a soundproof pantry when you need one?)

I tried all those things, and I would say, No, these did not help shift my brain state. With a therapist, providing a safe presence it was/is helpful at times to vent and offload what I hold in the rest of the time, but on my no, these were not helpful responses to my anger when I was by myself. They just added to my stress.

John Gottman says it takes 20 minutes to shift at a fighter flight. I was in trouble, 20 minutes was a long time to be in the bathroom coming down. I’m not sure if I can stay in the bathroom for 20 minutes. And the little knocks and under-the-door fingers were already starting to squirm their way under this bathroom door!

So my bathroom retreat had to evolve! I learned that moving my body helps with the fight response. So I did jumping jacks, push-ups, and pushed against the wall. I imagined, fighting a lion, being strong and fierce. I didn’t want to be angry at my kids, especially not this angry I didn’t want to be angry at myself for my anger. My anger is a part of me, so I chose an animal, a fierce animal, like a lion to “fight off.”

It also felt good to imagine being strong and fierce, because I felt powerless in those moments, hopeless in the throes of anger, small and weak, which made me feel worse.

Once I’d moved my body enough to wear myself out a bit, I would take a few deep breaths, and do a self-compassion break or Tara Brach’s R.A.I.N. practice now my mind is clear enough that these would be helpful.

Thought for the day: Regulating Big Emotions

When experiencing big emotions we can practice something new to rewire our brain from angry outbursts to safely calming down.

Move your body to help shift the anger. Once you have worn yourself out doing jumping jacks or pushing against a wall check in and see if you have space to do a self-compassion break or call a trusted friend.

You are not alone and it sucks to feel this angry. Don’t fight that lion alone!

The light in me sees the light in you,