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I sat on the floor of my kids’ playroom with tears in my eyes. I picked up a car and pretended to drive around the floor. I hoped that my kiddo wouldn’t notice that I was not only not in a playful mood, but I was actually crying. I was hoping that my attempt to play would be enough. Playful parenting has never come easily or naturally to me. It is an ongoing goal to infuse my parenting with play. On this particular day, I was in the middle of full-on parent burnout, complete with depression and anxiety. It is no wonder play was a little out of reach.
The Power of Play in Parenting
Play is an invaluable tool to use with our kiddos. Kids respond to play, communicate through play, and process emotions through play. After reading Playful Parenting by Dr. Lawrence Cohen and Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler & Tosha Schore, I was all in on play. My goal was to do special-time every day. However, I was struggling just to make it through the day, which is why I was trying to do special-time while crying. Looking back, what my kids and I needed more than special-time was for me to get out of burnout.
Why Burnout Makes Play Feel Impossible
If you long to be playful with your kids, too, but are struggling, there is a good reason. Parent burnout is one reason many parents struggle to be playful with their kids. Parent burnout is reaching the point of mental and emotional exhaustion due to repeated exposure to emotionally draining environments. The definition of burnout that Dr. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski give in their book Burnout is feeling exhausted, like you have nothing left to give, and still fearing it is not enough. In her Article: The impact of parental burnout: What psychological research suggests about how to recognize and overcome it October 1, 2021, Ashley Abramson explains the first stage of parent burnout is overwhelming exhaustion followed by parents distancing themselves from their children. So of course, it makes sense that playing with your child(ren) would feel out of reach or impossible. The painful thing we parents often do next is blame ourselves for not being better, stronger, or more capable.
I am here to tell you it is NOT your fault. You did not choose to feel overwhelmed or have too much on your plate.
Pause
First, we have to pause and notice we are in a dreadful cycle of pain and blame. I spent time above outlining the reality of parent burnout as evidence it is real and it is not your fault.
Find Your Community
We were not meant to parent alone. As mammals, we evolved to live in a community. Often, due to many different circumstances, we find ourselves doing much of our parenting by ourselves. Having a community of parents around you can lighten the emotional load of all we carry as parents. Look for a local parenting group. Go to your library during children’s reading hour and ask someone there to coffee or set up a playdate at a nearby playground. You can also find support in an online parenting group. Hand In Hand offers various online groups and helps people connect to a listening partner. The possibilities are endless, so choose one that feels right for you and start connecting.
Self-compassion
Learning that my parent burnout was not a personal failure and was instead the result of being severely under-resourced helped me begin to shift out of self-blame. Self-compassion helped me stay out of self-blame and criticism. The more I blamed and criticized myself, the less I wanted to be close to my kids, much less play with them. It was essential that I break free from self-blame and criticism. I did that through self-compassion.
Self-compassion begins with tenderly acknowledging our own suffering, reminding ourselves we are not alone, and finally a statement of self-compassion. It might sound something like this,
“I am feeling overwhelmed.” Placing my hand on my heart. “I am not alone. Lots of parents feel overwhelmed in their role as parents every day. I am doing the best I can and that is enough.” It might feel strange at first. It did for me, but I continued to stick with it because Dr. Kristen Neff, as well as others’ research, has proven the benefits of self-compassion. You can borrow my experience, strength, and hope while practicing self-compassion until you experience the benefits for yourself.
Thought for the Day
It is amazing that you want to play more with your kids. You will. First, take time to consider what your blocks to play might be. Do you feel overwhelmed regularly? Do you feel exhausted most days and still feel you have not done enough? Do you find yourself pulling away from your kid(s) to preserve your energy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be experiencing parent burnout. When in parent burnout, playing will likely feel out of reach. Take time to first resource yourself and meet your own needs to the best of your ability. When you have more bandwidth, trust that you will play because your kid(s) and being playful with them is so important to you.
Quick Win: Dance to Music You Love
When I was severely burned out, one way I could connect with my kids was through dancing. I would turn on music I liked, and I would hold them and dance. They enjoyed it because they felt closer to me, and I enjoyed the music. It felt like the music was holding me up, giving me strength, breathing life back into me. Music became a bridge between myself and my kids on rough days.