A Familiar Parenting Scene
I heard arguing between my kids in the next room and I moved quickly as it sounded like it was escalating. I came into the kitchen to find two of my kids fighting. It had reached the point of getting physical. There is almost nothing I hate more than seeing one person I love hurt another person I love. Unfortunately, for a long time, I was stuck in reactivity in moments like these and I would have a big emotional reaction. I would yell at them to stop fighting and to leave each other alone. While coming into the room and interjecting myself between them usually seemed to begin to calm things down a bit, my yelling at them never seemed to help anything.
The problem was these difficult moments were emotionally charged for me as their parent. It was difficult to see one of my children becoming physically aggressive. It was painful to see my other child getting physically hurt. My fears would hijack me and my ability to stay calm and respond rather than react would be out the window.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Practicing self-compassion helped me learn to get curious about what was happening for me in these moments while also slowing down my reactivity.
We’ve all been there. Whether we have multiple children and they are fighting with each other or we have an only child and we’ve experienced them getting physical or angry with their friend or cousin.
Let’s walk through practicing self-compassion in this moment together.
First, we must intervene and move in standing between them if necessary. Second, if we are unable to remain calm, then we might need to separate the two kids for the time being. Now that the two kids have been separated, the fighting has stopped, and everyone is safe we can take a closer look at what was happening with us.
We are going to use a version of the RAIN Practice I learned from self-compassion teacher and psychologist Tara Brach. (RAIN is an acronym I use to help me remember Recognize, Allow, Interconnected* and Need.) Today, we are just going to focus on Recognize.
R – Recognize – What emotions get stirred up for you when your kids fight? Fear, anger, frustration, overwhelm? What does the experience feel like in your body? Do you experience tightness or tension and your muscles?
Visualizing Connection Before Sibling Conflict
Take a moment and picture in your mind two of your kids or your child and another child who you have seen get into a conflict before. First, imagine the two kids playing well together. Imagine them smiling, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Close your eyes and really try to picture this image in your mind’s eye. Notice their eyes, their facial expressions, and notice their smile. Let that image fill your mind’s eye for a moment.
Notice what’s happening inside of you as you imagine your child or children playing happily together. Notice what you feel in your body as you picture your child or children smiling and laughing. Do you feel relaxed, at ease, calm, happy, content? Notice what those emotions feel like in your body. Maybe you experience relaxed muscles, in your chest, back, stomach, or in general. Perhaps you feel a sensation of lightness in your body. Maybe it’s easier to take a deeper breath.
Now that you have an idea of what that feels like inside your body. Use that positive sensation as an anchor. Let’s focus on a more difficult moment, one in which one or more of your children are fighting. You might choose a recent time that your child(ren) was/were fighting. Picture the scene in your mind’s eye. Let it unfold as it did in real life. What are the words you would use to describe how you felt in the moment seeing your child or children fighting? Take a moment to notice what happens inside your body. Do you feel tightness or tension? Do you feel your breathing going shallow? An electricity that’s saying, “Act now! Do something! Anything! Make it stop!”
Challenging Our Fears About Battles Between Children
What are things you commonly think to yourself when you see your child(ren) fighting? Are there worst-case scenario fears that come up inside of you?
Examples might include:
“My children will never get along.”
“My children won’t get along as adults.”
“I can’t do anything to stop my kids from fighting”
“My children don’t listen to me when they’re fighting.”
“My child is aggressive, and I’m worried about what that means as they get older.”
Upon examining these statements, when you’re not in the middle of a tense moment, do you feel like your worst-case scenario fears are true? Are there any counter experiences that would at least question the validity of these worst-case scenario conclusions?
Reframing Your Parenting Worries
For each fear that you wrote right, write a true statement that counters the fearful thought.
For example:
“My children will never get along.” – “My children get along when they are doing pretend play, and they can play for quite a while before they fight.”
“My children won’t get along as adults.” – “My children fighting now is not a good indicator of their adult selves or what their relationship will look like as adults. Sibling fighting is normal.”
“I can’t do anything to stop my kids from fighting” – “Their fighting can feel overwhelming, but it does not last foreve,r and when I intervene calmly and directly, I can usually help my kids shift out of fight mode.”
“My children don’t listen to me when they’re fighting.” – “It is harder for my kids to listen when they have flipped their lid, as Dr. Dan Seigal explains, and once their whole brain is back online, they can usually listen again.”
“My child is aggressive, and I’m worried about what that means as they get older.” – “It is normal for kids to be more physical when they are younger, especially with siblings. As I continue to set loving limits and intervene when things begin to escalate, my kids will over time use their words more and their bodies less to express how they feel.”
Thought for the Day: Recognize What’s Driving our Parenting Reactions
Recognizing how we feel when sibling fighting occurs helps us regain a handle on our internal state. Using Recognize to help us remember to label our feelings begins to slow things down so we can investigate our thoughts, which are driving our big reactions. These mindful actions help us shift out of reactivity and into responding to our kids and what they are struggling with thoughtfully and calmly.
Quick Win: Be Proactive
Be proactive. All of the above is a lot to do at the moment when two of our kids are fighting. Instead, we can be proactive. Write out the scene of the last time your kids were fighting.
What got under your skin the most?
What were you afraid of in the moment and what were your longer-term fears?
How did you respond? What went well and not so well?
How would you like to have responded?
What is one statement you can remind yourself in these tough moments? For example: “It is normal for kids to fight. My kids are generally sweet and kind. They are just struggling at the moment and have flipped their lid. I can help them shift back into calm by responding with loving limits.”
Recommended Resources for Mindful Parenting
If you need more help download my free Guided Pause, an audio to use in moments like these. In this guided pause, I will walk you through calming your own brain to shift out of reactivity and into a grounded response.
P.S. My favorite book on the topic of sibling fighting: Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Dr. Laura Markham
If you do not have time to read a whole book check out her blog where you can find quick solutions to all your parenting questions.
You’ve got this! I’d love to hear about how this goes for you when you try it out.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
Thank you so much for listening. Be Well!
*I put a spin on Brach’s original “I for Investigate” and use “Interconnected” to remind us of our common humanity.